Three Fisted Tales of White House Horror: Bellyfeel the Truthiness!

Martin Random:

Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.

The Q&A section after the main article is the best part.

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Current Music: Rump -- Choot 'er ♬

19 Responses:

  1. mooflyfoof says:

    I saw that thread when it was first posted last week... I can't decide if I hope it's true, or if I hope it's not. Scary, hilarious stuff.

  2. myasma says:

    I'm going to fall asleep tonight dreaming of how Condi Rice smells.

  3. Printed it out to read on the train. Still not finished.

    The massive wheel of cheese made me l really o l in public. The mental image of it rolling down the hill to the river makes me happy.

    • gregv says:

      I don't know why, but I just love the term "undercheese":

      It was kept in a room and whenever there was a social event, they'd run in there, cut off the disgusting rancid mold, and start serving the still-good undercheese.

      And something like that did happen: 1, 2, 3. 3 attributes it to Jefferson rather than Jackson, though that might have been one of the liberties the author took.

      The White House smelled of cheese for weeks.

  4. merovingian says:

    I don't know whether to believe this or not. It's really interesting, and believable. The only thing I can say for sure is that, true or not, it's intentionally unverifiable. And totally fascinating.

    • I got as far as "Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares" before dismissing it as irritating BS.

      And I am no fan of this administration.

    • merovingian says:

      Wow, I wanted to believe this so much, I actually briefly and skeptically did!

      • gregv says:

        Well the thing is if you read the first post, your B.S. meter goes off scale. However, if you keep reading the thread his responses to many of the questions are actually quite good and convincing. I still say truthiness, but if so he's a skillful liar.

  5. whelpdog says:

    Truthiness can work in our favor sometimes.

  6. tokyolove says:

    This is clearly fake XD I am amused that people actually buy into this crap.

  7. hentaikid says:

    It will be interesting to see how far this circulates, I saw the original post by m. r. on the SA forums, and if I hadn't read another blog post* by the same author in which he described having a completely different life, I would've found it very believable.

    He's good.

    * Since removed

  8. figg says:

    For the curious, the original thread on something awful is here.

  9. Martin Random is also 4chan's lawyer or legal council according to a post on there a while back. If that doesn't scream "fake" to you, nothing will.

  10. webwench says:

    It's also on wonkette now.

    Serious Business!

  11. fantasygoat says:

    I can just imagine Bush sitting in the Oval Office, swishing Jim Beam in his mouth and spitting it out, then looking wistfully out into the rose garden.