"Bottom Of Barrel Dangerously Overscraped, Experts Warn"

I do not at this time have words to describe the audio-visual horror that is Britney Spears covering "I Love Rock and Roll".

Another horror by the same hack is Jessica Simpson (the even creepier Britneybot) covering the already-despicable Berlin Giorgio Moroder suckfest, "Take My Breath Away".

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49 Responses:

  1. kfringe says:

    I hate you. Why couldn't you have posted this stuff yesterday? I could have written it off as a bad joke yesterday. Now I just have to hope the Bird Flu hits fast.

  2. substitute says:

    We can only hope for a Stacey Q medley from Christina Aguilera at this point.

  3. badc0ffee says:

    Minutes passed with shallow words
    Years have passed and still the hurt

  4. ...nope, I'm staying in denial. It's an April Fool. Anything that wrong would cause a rain of centipedes or red tides or something. The world would be ending even as I type.

    Or maybe I just wish the world couldn't hold such evil.

  5. fdaapproved says:

    I wonder if she knows that those are the passenger pegs... and that vinyl, unlike leather, melts...

    • bikerwalla says:

      I hope she doesn't know. I hope she learns through experience.

      ...Hey, thanks! Now I finally have a Britney Spears fantasy I can get off with.

      • zonereyrie says:

        I have another - Joan Jett stomping the life out of Britney Spears, while singing the song properly. Like, with talent.

        I just heard Joan's original earlier today, which just makes this cover suck all the more. I need the original again to purge this...

        Shit, Weird Al's "I Love Rocky Road" is better than this.

        • cacepi says:

          I just heard Joan's original earlier today, which just makes this cover suck all the more.

          Actually, Joan Jett's version is a cover as well; Arrows, 1975. But the difference here is that Joan Jett's cover rocked and this one... doesn't.

          Christ, a cover by Heino - "Ich liebe das Rokk und Rollen," perhaps? - would rock more than this piece of trash.

          • zonereyrie says:

            Yeah, I think in the back of my head I knew Joan Jett's wasn't the original - I did a quick search when I was posting but nothing popped. Of course, her version is the iconic one - mention Joan Jett and that's the song people remember, and vice-versa. :-)

            This one didn't just not rock - it would suck the rock out of nearby songs. The flaccid drumbox and arrythmic scratching sounded like someone's demo tape.

            I need to not think about it or I'll ruin a lovely evening. :-)

  6. violentbloom says:

    is that menstral blood leaking out of the cable?

  7. anti_tim says:

    I much prefer THIS girlie road video.

  8. quercus says:

    It's not apocalypticaly bad, it's just piss-poor. Which is somehow worse.

    Take any vaguely nubile bimbette, a couple of bored but sober session hacks, and 5 minutes shopping in Psyclone and you could make this same video. Probably better.

  9. evan says:

    I was looking at some of these "Popozao" videos today and I realized that I had merged Britney and Jessica into one person -- which is the one with the dumb rapper boyfriend? Or is it both of them? Even looking at these videos I get confused.

    • taffer says:

      You're thinking of Beyoncé?

      • greyface says:

        Jay-Z had around a year of quality product. Not to say he was ever great... but blaming him for being half-assed as a rapper in the early 2000s is like blaming a dot-com for going bankrupt in the early 2000s (which is to say, it was ill-advised to try, but nobody is really hurt by the failure).

  10. The best part about the Britney cover is that when she was asked why she did it, she replied that it was because she's a huge Pat Benatar fan.

  11. fastfwd says:

    There is no God.

    • baconmonkey says:

      There is a god.
      However, he is not the squishy, loving hippie of the new testamant.
      He is the angry, jealous, vengeful god of the old testament.
      This is his punishment unleashed on mankind.
      More plagues will follow soon.

  12. hasturkun says:

    Not a total hack,
    The video for Semisonic's Closing Time is kinda good

  13. squeekyhoho says:

    I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure that any song that purports it's love of Rock and Roll shouldn't have record scratches. Or a drum machine. Or Britney Spears.

  14. photwenny says:

    Yesterday I finally saw the opening scene of the very first episode of "Cop Rock". I had never seen it before, only heard the about it. It was so bad. I had to stop before the theme song. I didn't need to see more. I thought it was the worst thing I'd ever seen on "TV".

    Until now.

    I'm not even clicking on the Jessica Simpson link.

  15. Well, it all could have been saved by the final minute being Joan Jett beating Britney over the head with a guitar screaming "How ya like this bitch!!!".

    So, in my mind I just sort of substituted that in and it was on the whole a much better experience.

  16. dougygyro says:

    I love how the entire thing revolves around her belly, as if to say:

    "Hey, guess what? There's a fetus in here, but nobody knows that yet!"

  17. I'm trying to figure out what makes it so bad, and it must be that it's so UN rock. They're videoing all the moves (head banging, leather jackets, drum stick tricks, etc) but all the while I have to listen to that stupid Casio drumbeat. The guitarists are making out like they're thrashing all over the place, but the track sounds like it's got midi guitars with a "yawn" overlay.

    It's like the definition of totally shit.

    Man, I wish that Bill Hicks were here to tear this apart. I'm going to go and listen to his Jimmy-Hendrix-chainsaw-dick bit.

  18. rico99 says:

    Wow, that is so amazingly bad. By the end I was feeling glad that
    I had made it through without vomiting. The part where she's about
    to lick that goo off of the floor -- was that supposed to be sexy or
    something? It's all so formulaic! And breaking the guitar on the
    speakers -- yeah, I bet you do a lot of that, girl. Yeah, sure. Unreal...

  19. baconmonkey says:

    when they start playing that every time at Lift, I blame you.

    Also, you overlooked annother nightmare by that fucker. a terrible cover of a terrible song by a terrible artist. The band shots are very very similar in both videos. The drunk sets are set up the same, though the britney one is a DW kit with 2 bass drums, and the Kid Rock one is (I think) a Tama sinngle-kick kit. They both use the same cymbals. The same Marshal Stacks are used in the same configuration

  20. anaisdjuna says:

    It looks like a playboy parody of the song. oh. So formulaic, I thought I would die. I was watching my IQ spin down like down ten points at a time. My chromosomes were beginning to mutate. My brain is now bubble gum & plastic.

    Simpson's video reminds me of the plots being recycled for the proletariat in 1984....
    c'est afreux.

  21. bitjuggler says:

    That was fscking lame. It wasn't horrible only because my expectations were so low to start with. I don't pretend to have great musical taste - "I know what I like when I hear it" is about my level - but that cover, even to me, was awful in so many different dimensions, that I have to wonder if it's some kind of joke.

  22. latemodel says:

    Y'know, part of what distinguishes rock'n'roll from its blues heritage is that you don't really need much sense of rythm. And somehow, Britney still manages to sound like she's reading off cuecards.

    Don't get me wrong. I have a lot of respect for high-budget pop, Britney included. But this is just a throwback to everything that made 80's hair metal awful.

    She's no Joan Jett, but she's also no Freddy Mercury.

  23. trib22 says:

    Oh, that's so cruel. The ensuckness of these is burned forever on my psyche. I lasted three moans into the Jessica Simpson video before I had to kill it!

  24. tritone says:

    Luckily, my QuickTime plugin refused to play more than a second of the audio track at a time. I guess it has good taste.

  25. yesthattom says:

    The cover of "Take my breath away" is practically a kareoke version of the Berlin song from the way they strive so hard to retain the original sound of the instrumental track. I kept thinking, "shit! I wish they'd do something original with the music!"

    The cover of "I love Rock and Roll" is the opposite. The music is so bad and often badly mixed (too quiet) that I kept thinking, "Damn! Why didn't they just copy the original instrumental tracks!?!?