|January:||"I can assure you that having a view of the outside world, even if the edge of the world is only four feet away, is a dramatic improvement."|
|February:||"I still can't see out my window, but now it has spots."|
|March:||"Jesus, a rabbi, Colonel Sanders, Hunter S. Thompson and a slutty Hawaiian girl walk into a bar, and then the gorilla says..."|
|April:||"When you get chocolate syrup on your camera lens, it does not wipe off nearly as easily as whatever is in GWAR spooge."|
|May:||"He hits that microwave and looks at you like 'this is how you hit a fucking microwave!'"|
|June:||"That was, in fact, the final straw."|
|July:||"A Cultural Event For Silicon Valley and Wall Street!"|
|August:||"For some inexplicable reason, one of the contest judges decided to hike up her dress and pee on our sidewalk."|
|September:||"Dear industrial music, We have to break up now."|
|October:||"Did you know that all this crap was hidden under the concrete slabs in the sidewalk?"|
|November:||"I enjoyed the show, but I'm highly conflicted."|
|December:||...I got nothing.|
I, for one, welcome our new robo-rabbi terminator overlords
Israelis to be allowed euthanasia by machine
Machines will perform euthanasia on terminally ill patients in Israel under legislation devised not to offend Jewish law, which forbids people taking human life.
A special timer will be fitted to a patient's respirator which will sound an alarm 12 hours before turning it off. Normally, carers would override the alarm and keep the respirator turned on but, if various stringent conditions are met, including the giving of consent by the patient or legal guardian, the alarm would not be overridden.
Similar timing devices, known as Sabbath clocks, are used in the homes of orthodox Jews so that light switches and electrical devices can be turned on during the Sabbath without offending religious strictures.
"The point was that it is wrong, under Jewish law, for a person's life to be taken by a person but, for a machine, it is acceptable," a parliamentary spokesman said. "A man would not be able to shorten human life but a machine can."
Putting the "dead man" back in "dead man switch"!