oh, the oniony goodness

Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth
HOUSTON -- On Tuesday, Halliburton received a $110 million no-bid government contract to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased disaster victims in the New Orleans-Gulf Coast area. "We are proud to serve the government in this time of crisis by recovering valuable resources from the wreckage of this deadly storm," said David J. Lesar, Halliburton's president. "The gold we recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be used to make fighter-jet electronics, supercomputer chips, inflation-proof A-grade investments, and luxury yachting watches."
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horror show

Release the Plague Monkeys!

At the very least, there are two Level-3 biolabs in New Orleans and a cluster of three in nearby Covington. They have been working with anthrax, mousepox, HIV, plague, etc. There are surely other labs in the city. [...] So what happened to these diseased monkeys living outside in cages?

New Orleans 'unsafe for a decade'

Toxic chemicals in the New Orleans flood waters will make the city unsafe for full human habitation for a decade, a senior US Government official predicts. And, he added, the Bush Administration is covering up the danger.

"Inept political hacks" running the clean-up will imperil the health of low-income migrant workers by getting them to do the work.

Other US sources spelled out the extent of the danger from one of America's most polluted industrial areas, known locally as "Cancer Alley". The 66 chemical plants, refineries and petroleum storage depots churn out 270,000 tonnes of toxic waste each year.

Normally a mouthpiece for the Republican Party, the NRA can't help but speak up about the feds confiscating weapons:

While one can certainly understand the dire predicaments of all those affected by Hurricane Katrina, as we have learned throughout history, campaigns to disarm the lawful do nothing to disarm the criminal. And in truth, these restrictions make citizens less safe. Despite the valiant efforts of many law enforcement officers and rescue workers, too many of those left in the wake of Katrina are ultimately responsible for their own security and safety and that of their families and loved ones. This is especially true when communication is virtually non-existent and police can't be quickly summoned to respond to calls for help. At these times, lawful gun ownership is paramount to personal safety.

Breakdowns Marked Path From Hurricane to Anarchy

Partly because of the shortage of troops, violence raged inside the New Orleans convention center, which interviews show was even worse than previously described. Police SWAT team members found themselves plunging into the darkness, guided by the muzzle flashes of thugs' handguns, said Capt. Jeffrey Winn.

Oliver Thomas, the New Orleans City Council president, expressed a view shared by many in city and state government: that a national disaster requires a national response. "Everybody's trying to look at it like the City of New Orleans messed up," Mr. Thomas said in an interview. "But you mean to tell me that in the richest nation in the world, people really expected a little town with less than 500,000 people to handle a disaster like this? That's ludicrous to even think that."

Andrew Kopplin, Governor Blanco's chief of staff, took a similar position. "This was a bigger natural disaster than any state could handle by itself, let alone a small state and a relatively poor one," Mr. Kopplin said.


Capt. Winn said the armed groups even sealed the police out of two of the center's six halls, forcing the SWAT team to retake the territory.

But the police were at a disadvantage: they could not fire into the crowds in the dimly lit facility. So after they saw muzzle flashes, they would rush toward them, searching with flashlights for anyone with a gun. Meanwhile, those nearby "would be running for their lives," Capt. Winn said. "Or they would lie down on the ground in the fetal position."

And when the SWAT team caught some of the culprits, there was not much it could do. The jails were also flooded, and no temporary holding cells had been set up yet. "We'd take them into another hall and hope they didn't make it back," Capt. Winn said.

One night, Capt. Winn said, the police department even came close to abandoning the convention halls - and giving up on the 15,000 there. He said a captain in charge of the regular police was preparing to evacuate the regular police officers by helicopter when 100 guardsmen rushed over to help restore order.

Make sure you keep those medical supplies out of the city:

I talked with Bobby Lee Huss, whose shipment of medical supplies, including tetanus vaccines, prescription drugs, baby formula, wheelchairs, walkers and other devices, was confiscated yesterday at gunpoint by a Homeland Security checkpoint in Covington, a town on the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain. [...] He claims he was given all the necessary credentials and Red Cross workers helped him load up his 1989 Dodge Caravan. But not less than 10 minutes later, he found himself staring the barrel of a gun at a Homeland Security checkpoint on the north side of the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway. According to Huss, a state police officer told him the Red Cross had requested he be detained.

"They are keeping supplies from people who are in need," Huss told me. Huss also accused the Red Cross of hoarding much-needed supplies. Huss is now on his way back to Texas, demoralized and angry. "Tell the people of Algiers I'm sorry," he said.

Louisiana Charges St. Rita's Nursing Home Owners

Louisiana's attorney general filed criminal charges against the husband and wife who own St. Rita's Nursing Home in St. Bernard Parish, where the decomposing bodies of residents were found after Hurricane Katrina swept through the state. [They] are being charged with 34 counts of negligent homicide.

"Thirty-four people drowned in a nursing home when it should have been evacuated," Foti said. "They didn't follow the standard of care of what a reasonable person would follow."

We had to kill our patients

Doctors working in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans killed critically ill patients rather than leaving them to die in agony as they evacuated hospitals, The Mail on Sunday can reveal.

With gangs of rapists and looters rampaging through wards in the flooded city, senior doctors took the harrowing decision to give massive overdoses of morphine to those they believed could not make it out alive.

Euthanasia is illegal in Louisiana, and The Mail on Sunday is protecting the identities of the medical staff concerned to prevent them being made scapegoats for the events of last week.

New FEMA boss is 'Duct Tape Man'

In another gesture symbolizing the continued confusion of the federal response, the man President Bush immediately named to succeed "Brownie," proves to have been the same FEMA official who, two-and-a-half years ago, suggested that Americans stock up on duct tape to protect against a biological or chemical terrorist attack.

Newsweek: How Bush Blew It

He has boasted that he doesn't read the papers. But it is not clear what President Bush does read or wa tch, aside from the occasional biography and an hour or two of ESPN here and there. Bush can be petulant about dissent; he equates disagreement with disloyalty. After five years in office, he is surrounded largely by people who agree with him.

Rather than fight a lawsuit by CNN, the federal government abandoned its effort Saturday to prevent the media from reporting on the recovery of the dead in New Orleans.

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Tivo 0wns j00

Cory writes:
Hey, TiVo: since 1984's Betamax decision, Americans have had the right to record TV shows even if the rightsholder doesn't like the idea. That's straight from the Supreme Court's mouth. I don't know what kind of special privilege the enteraintment industry has offered you in exchange for this spectacular display of wanton shark-jumping, but it wasn't enough.

The Tivo Fanboys are quick to point out that this particular instance is probably a mistake -- chances are they didn't really mean to put a 7-day expiration on a two-year-old syndicated re-run -- but that's really missing the point. After your appliance auto-upgrades to the 7.2 release, it will be less powerful than it was when you bought it.

Wired interviewed a Tivo weasel about this last year:

TiVo has always been about empowering the viewer. Why change now?
Macrovision changed its policy. So the question was, Do we want to have a Macrovision license with certain restrictions, or none at all?

You're not legally required to have copy protection. Why not tell Macrovision to stuff it?
That was an option. But if there was no Macrovision license, we would run into a lot of copyright problems with things like remote access and "TiVo to Go" functionality.

brad cancelled his Tivo and notes that that's a good way to get a discount:

Finally got off hold and got a confirmation number. But they gave me "one last offer before we make this official" (after a dozen other offers), which is a permanent monthly price of $6.95 instead of $12.95. So if you still like Tivo and want a discount..... there's your opportunity.

I have DirecTivo, and instead of just buying a new one when the drive died, I replaced the drive. But, in order to do that, you have no choice but to hack it and run a copy of the OS that has questionable legality; there's no other way to replace a dead drive and have the device still work. Because of this, my machine is permanently stuck at version 4 of the OS, so I don't have this new Macrovision "feature". But I know that someday, for some reason, I'm going to have to upgrade it (I expect that the hardware will fail and I will fall into a cascading upgrade dance that requires a version of the OS with these new misfeatures). I don't look forward to that day.

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The Customer is Always Stinky

I don't recommend reading this while eating: The Customer is Always Stinky.

While I think most piercers have ran across the occasional hedge that needs to be trimmed, or butt-crack that needs a good washing, the worst hygiene problem I've encountered was a session during a hood piercing. Once she was on the table and went to go spread her legs, I got a blast of a smell that nearly floored me, but the visual was the worst part. This stringy white and yellow shit was all over her cooter, and as she spread her legs, it stretched like a spider web. It was nasty. Stinky crotch goo.

I was doing a Prince Albert jewelry change and was turned around to open my packages and heard him get up. I heard a bunch of shuffling and from the corner of my eye I could see him trying to quickly peel all of the dead flaky skin off of his penis. I told him that I had to get something from the hall and quickly left the room. In the hall I put on a medical mask and came back into the room again after washing my hands. All I can remember is this disgusting penis covered in open sores and flaky dead skin and trying my damnedest not to throw up. I quickly changed the jewelry for him and let him leave. I spent the next thirty minutes disinfecting the bed over and over.

Also, The Customer is Always Perverted, The Customer is Always Suicidal.

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Abortion is commonly the product of failed sodomy.

Failed Sodomy / Homosexual Acts:

The essence of the term sodomy then includes any use of the sexual faculty -- by two humans or one human and an animal -- that by act or intention precludes the bringing of new human life into existence. The use of the sexual faculty without being open to its intended result is contrary to the will of God who designed into human nature the very strong urge for relationships designed to produce human forms for occupancy by eternal spirits designated to share the magnificence of His existence. God, an intellectual being, designed compatible beings capable of both utilizing His creative capacity and sharing with Him in an intellectual manner. (The concept should be clear that in both classical and practical sodomy the result is the same -- use of one's sexuality faculty in a manner that is not open to pregnancy.)

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It is time that you knew about the reproductive cycle of the humble monotreme.

eyeteeth says: "these life-forms seem to be built out of spare parts."

Monotremes are really weird. Everything about them seems to have been thought up past some kind of deadline. Take the method by which they reproduce: after mating, the female lays an egg (echidna) or two (platypus). Then she carries them around until they hatch. Monotremes are mammalian, even if what they have is a kind of free demo version of mammalianism without the really useful features like live birth, so they lactate. But they have no nipples. The milk just leaks right out of glands in their skin, and the baby monotreme laps it up with sweeps of its tiny bill. [...]

The echidna is therefore "born" three times -- once as an egg, once when the egg hatches, and once when the puggle is evicted from the pouch and hidden by its mother. It's a good thing placentalism came along, or we'd all have to go through something like this. [...]

Echidna mating is mysterious and primordial. It is also rarely observed, but the following seem to be the basics. It begins when the female goes into estrus. Males, usually three or four of them, but sometimes as many as eleven, start following her around in a long single-file line called an "echidna train" (or even "echidna love train"). It seems very civilized, though it can go on for as long as six weeks. [...]

The male's four-headed penis, which he does not use to urinate, emerges only during the act of mating; the rest of the time he is indistinguishable from a female echidna, as his testicles are also inside his body.

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