Occam's Razor

I have a theory. My theory is that there are no such things as cellphones. In fact, what's going on is that there's been an epidemic outbreak of schizophrenia, and we're all just walking around mumbling to ourselves. It's the FLUORIDE.
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35 Responses:

  1. ivan_ghandhi says:

    It is easy to prove: just remember talking to someone who is known to be dead.

  2. lars_larsen says:

    I always maintain the purity of my precious bodily fluids. And as such, I dont have a cell phone. Those things are only for commie preverts anyway.

  3. deathboy says:

    Now I am thinking of Add N to X tracks. You must pay.

  4. niftybitch says:

    Yea... The earbud in my ear isn't plugged into anything. Tricked you didn't I?

  5. baconmonkey says:

    I'd thought about spending some time with a video camera around the financial district and then around 6th & mission, and parts of the loin.

    The results would be edited such that Hands-free-cell-phone yuppie is conversing with angry crackhead.

    Then I decided I din't care enough, and if I was going to be pointing anything at either demographic, a paintball gun would be a better choice.

  6. mattbot says:

    There's no LJ either.


    - jwz.Mattbot

  7. rosefox says:

    I've been meaning to put up a sound clip quiz page called "Cellphone User or Raving Loony?", along the lines of "German or Lesbian?" and "Dog Toy or Marital Aid?" (which sadly seems to no longer exist).

    • king_mob says:

      Oh, that's marvelous. "Lesbian or German Lady" was the first meme I ever saw(although back in the day, had no word for meme and just said fucked-up thing I saw on the Internet that I laughed at).

  8. lippi says:

    you know, the universe is a figment of your imagination.

  9. avva says:

    Actually, there is no music.

  10. whumpdotcom says:

    Let's just cut to the chase: It's 1964, the Earth is a atomic-war-ravaged cinder, and we're just hallucinations in Philip K. Dick's terminal binge on a cache of speed he found in basement of San Francisco General Hospital.

  11. roninspoon says:

    But I've got a great big pearly white smile.

  12. fastfwd says:

    I had suggested to my husband once that we just give all the schizophrenics cell phones so they can blend in and pretend they're sane. Of course, that was before hands-free became so ubiquitous. Now all we'd have to do is hand out little ear-pieces. I'm contemplating getting one myself for those times when I feel like thinking out loud but don't want to go all the way back home first.

    Probably won't play on the tube, though.

    • eqe says:

      Probably won't play on the tube, though.

      Everyone will just be envious of your advanced-technology phone. Tell them it works on ground-penetrating long-wave radio.

      • rdi says:

        There is a program in the UK that does this. It's a group of survivors of the mental health system who use non-functioning cellphones to help deal with their voices.

        And wouldn't you know it, one of them was on the train once, felt the voices coming on, took out his cell phone and lit into it...and then the train went into a tunnel.

        After a few moments he became aware that everyone else in the carriage was (a) off their cellphone and (b) looking at him. So he ended his conversation with "I'll call you back" and put the phone away.

        Then someone leaned across to him and asked: "Excuse me, but which service are you with?"

    • gfish says:

      I've been teaching myself ventriloquism for a similar purpose.

  13. boggyb says:

    What you do now is logically extend that such that you put the date of the outbreak to be whenever the telephone was invented.

  14. irilyth says:

    As I was biking to work today, I stopped at an intersection where the light was red, and a woman crossed in front of me going the other way. At first I thought she was talking on a cell phone, but then I noticed that she didn't seem to have a cell phone, so I assumed she was a crazy person. I watched as she kept walking, long enough for it to become clear that she was actually talking to the guy who was walking three yards behind her. Not looking at him or anything, and he wasn't talking back, but eventually he said something back to her, and I was amused that two people talking on the street seemed like the strangest possible explanation of the three for the woman's original wacky behavior.

  15. msjen says:

    My advisor, who is a venerated professor sort of person, shares your theory. Well, actually he said that it was great that we have more of a tolerance for the mentally ill now that we all act like them. But same thing.

    People should NOT use those headset things while walking down the street. It's just freaky.

  16. I've made the point many a time that wireless headsets are making schizophrenia more acceptable in the mainstream. Its true.

    • fatora says:

      If we handed out headsets that made people schizophrenic catatonic, it would be a lot quieter around here. Let's go for it.

  17. korgmeister says:

    This means my boss is psychic and gets my work schedules every week without having to ask me.

    Which leads me to wonder what else has he been looking at inside my head?

  18. georgedorn says:

    That would jive with just how much useful information is carried on these fictional cellphones. Namely, next to none. Any actual information thus transmitted could easily be attributed to telepathy. That makes a lot more sense.

  19. 4floorsherpa says:

    I have a buddy who was in jail for a while sometime in the late nineties (long story short: he was later acquitted.) He said that whenever he'd try to rest or paint, he'd hear the *bip*bip of the guard's walkie talkies as they passed his cell. It started to get under his skin. It became one of the things he looked forward to being rid of when he got out.

    He did get out, right at the height of the "cellular phones with built-in walkie talkies" craze. He'd be eating at a mall and hear the *bip*bip of some electrician or salesman's cell phone and instinctively think that the guards were coming.

  20. I am going to take your picture with my phone.

    And I thought it was in the polio vaccine.