Adobe translation

Translation From PR-Speak to English of Selected Portions of Adobe's `FAQ' Regarding Their Acquisition of Macromedia
    and the complementary functionality of PDF and Flash.

Where by "complementary" we mean "the two leading technologies that irritate people when they're used in lieu of regular web pages." Note that we're using PDF to serve this very FAQ -- in our synergistic future, perhaps we'll serve our FAQs in a hybrid PDF/Flash format. One can dream.

    Adobe has approximately 4,000 employees worldwide.

Please note use of present tense. Please also note that PDF is an excellent format for sending out résumés.

    The combined company will be able to offer increased productivity through streamlined workflow and tighter integration.

Once Freehand, Fireworks, and GoLive are killed, customers will have the benefit of not having any competing apps to choose from, and we benefit from not having any competitors.

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24 Responses:

  1. defenestr8r says:

    that is fucking fantastic.

    there should be a special dictionary for merger-speak.

  2. jesus_x says:

    A) Dead right on PDFlash looming in our future. Zinio already does this with their PDF-based digital magazines (which I've ranted about here )

    B) You'll note most employees fired will probably be Macromedia, as Adobe just bought thempreemptively rather than for it's talent pool.

    C) Freehand will die, yeah, Fireworks deserves to, GoLive, I can only hope. With Adobe tendency to morph products they buy with their own crap, I really hate to see what Adobe Dreamweaver looks like. But Adobe does _fairly_ well with improving products without much in the way of competition.

  3. gimpyprophet says:

    I've noticed that consumers never win from merges like this. It's funny hearing corporations say merging is good when competition is so much better for us.

  4. solios says:

    This would be why I use FOSS where possible (read: useable), and more importantly, keep ALL of my old install media. Hell, the last time I upgraded Macrodobe apps was with the transition to OS X, and that was just so one misbehaving hunk of bloatware wouldn't blow out the rest of them when it went down.

    PDF + Flash, neither of which runs for shit on PPC... sounds about as appetizing as Windows Media. >_<

    • pfrank says:

      how is it that PDF runs for shit on PPC? OS X is pretty much made of PDF's as far as I can tell...

      • solios says:

        Try running a search in the Final Cut Pro documentation on a G5.

        Visible lag and CPU spikes aren't features for a document reader to brag about.

        Built-in support is decent but the Adobe Reader can suck the rind off of a watermelon at fifty meters.

  5. baconmonkey says:

    I so want a PDFlash animation intro for my website.

  6. gen_witt says:

    At this point I am forced to ask myself what was so wrong with postscript? Is it only a matter of time before HP releases some sort of Flash competitor based on PCL? That would make the world even more topsy turvey.

  7. gutbloom says:

    I'm one of the five folks on the planet that actually likes ColdFusion and still runs a site using it. Allaire is now two mergers removed from usefulness.

    On that site I use Dreamweaver and the clients use Contribute. It works pretty well for not a lot of money.

    Why do things refuse to get easier?

    • mark242 says:

      Disclaimer: I manage a site that's written in Cold Fusion.

      That said, the death knell for Cold Fusion was Macromedia packaging it as a J2EE application bundled with JRun. At that point, why bother? Just write a CFML-to-JSTL translation tool, and you can save a ton of money.

  8. korgmeister says:

    Clearly Adobe thought "Gee, crashing people's browsers when you open up a PDF document wasn't good enough. Lets aim for an even higher success rate in crashing people's computers"

    Fucking wheeeee!

    For an example of why the union of Flash and PDF is an unholy one, try and go to this website for a fashion retailer and attempt to download their investor information report using MSIE*. I double dog dare you to do it without crashing the browser. Can't fucking be done.

    I should know, a lecturer wasted 10 MINUTES doing just that. So why didn't she just try to download the document like a sensible person? Oh, well here's the beauty part: SINCE THE ENTIRE FUCKING PAGE WAS IN FLASH YOU COULDN'T RIGHT CLICK!

    Needless to say I filled the empty space in the lecture ranting about the wonders of PDF. "It's the world's greatest document format! You open it up, and it crashes! But then, you can use the Adobe reader and maybe only 50% of the time it'll crash, but then it'll do that lame web update thing where it takes away all user control for several minutes".

    *Yes, I know, 99.99% of JWZ's readers rightly see MSIE as the king of all festering evil, but this is in the name of science, dammit!

    • ravi says:

      I double dog dare you to do it without crashing the browser. Can't fucking be done.

      I just did it, and it worked fine. What am I doing wrong? *blink*

      If it helps: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322; .NET CLR 1.0.3705)

    • editer says:

      "If the site does not open a new window it may be because you have pop-ups blocked for this site."

      On the splash page. The site is designed so the home page forces a popup.

      Kill. Kill. Kill.

  9. jkonrath says:

    I don't see anybody talking about the real reason they merged: Microsoft is about two seconds from putting all of this shit in their next bloated OS and making both companies obsolete.

    Also, there will be no jobs lost at all - net. They'll add headcount in India to make it look like they are bigger than ever. This is the same Adobe India that had so many spelling errors on their external web page, it made look good.

  10. nelc says:

    In my field, there were only two vector-drawing programs that were worth anything: one of them Adobe's and the other now dead-man-walking. There are two publishing packages: one Adobe, the other Quark XPress. And in photo-manipulation: one Adobe program and, um, that's it. How long before they buy up Quark, and the graphics industry is completely owned by Adobe?

    • edge_walker says:

      From the quoted page:

      Why is Adobe acquiring Macromedia?

      Adobe's mission has always been to help people and businesses communicate better. Macromedia's mission has been to provide a rich media experience. Together, we share a vision for the future and with the combination of the two companies - our products, technologies and people - we will enable the creation and delivery of compelling content and experiences across multiple operating systems, devices and media.

      Dude, we just bought the only significant competitor to several of our flagship applications. We didn't buy Macromedia, we bought the market.