television horror

The other day I was flipping channels and happened across two programs of equal and opposite horror, airing simultaneously.

The first was a makeover show where, as near as I can tell, they just give you a pile of money and send you shopping. Their victim was "a thirty year old woman who is still going for that punk/goth look."

I didn't see the "before" pictures, but they frumped her out into someone's mom. Everyone excitedly hopped up and down.

Meanwhile, over on Fuse (the Canadian MTV) they had a "metal makeover" show, where these three screeching harpies in a convertible showed up at the house of some guy who really liked metal but didn't dress the part. They made fun of his parents, bought him a spiked arm-band, and tried to talk him into getting a piercing or a tattoo.

The ladies shook their fists out of the car and yelled "Rock has come to town."

So I figure these two shows cancelled each other out, and I didn't actually see anything at all. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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30 Responses:

  1. revsphynx says:

    I saw the commercial for that show with the Punk Rock make-over. The thing is, before the make-over, she just looked like someone's frumpy mom, but with green hair and a Ramones t-shirt.

    I loved how they acted like 30 was "too old" to dress in anything but what's "acceptable".

  2. ammonoid says:

    So 30 is too old to still be sporting the goth look? I'm 30 and still figuring out my style of goth. Meh. They can pry my black velvet out of my wrinkely, cold, black nail-polished fingers.

  3. substitute says:

    Hot Topic Nation means that everyone gets a teen subculture for life, now.

    A FOAF who is a self-obsessed disaster recently called the friend's mom and announced breathlessly that "I'm not a goth any more!". Mom's response was: "Aren't you.. over 30 now?"

  4. vincel says:

    Where I presently live, I have:

    • No access to satellite (tree with a preservation order on it blocks line-of-sight);
    • No cable;
    • No access to digital terrestrial;

    What I'm left with is access to four channels. At least two of them are showing makeover programs at any one time; the other two are showing either Reality TV or snooker.

    To add insult to injury, the picture quality is piss-poor at best.

  5. mstyne says:

    I think I lost you at "Canadian MTV"...

    • 33mhz says:

      It used to be Much Music (I think) and it was actually Much Better Music than what MTV liked to play at the time. In those few slots when MTV actually played music.

      • wilecoyote says:

        Wait a minute. Are you saying that they changed MuchMusic? Argh!!

        • 33mhz says:

          Maybe? I haven't had cable in 4 years or so. I couldn't tell you how it's changed, or if it has been for the worse.

      • kalephunk says:

        Wait, are you saying that MTV used to *actually play music*??? You lie!

        This is why I'm glad I don't have cable. At least one of the public access channels has a "music video" block where they play weird-ass music videos from around the world. Kiss my ass, "Music" TeleVision!

  6. leolo says:

    Meanwhile, over on Fuse (the Canadian MTV) they had a "metal makeover" show, where these three screeching harpies in a convertible showed up at the house of some guy who really liked metal but didn't dress the part.

    I NEED THIS. Maybe I don't.

  7. pvck says:

    apropos of nothing, I feel you should check out the new Klangstabil album, Taking Nothing Seriously, but without purchasing it first. Given what I see on your Now Playings, I expect you'll either love or hate it, but I can't be sure which. It's weird in some very deep ways.

  8. gremlingirl says:

    now if you could just get those 2 hours of your life back...

    • jwz says:

      It was more like ten minutes.

      Also, I now know what it looks like when Rock comes to town.

      Time well spent.

  9. roninspoon says:

    At least you weren't watching Kelsey Grammar Presents: The Sketch Show!

    With any luck, it's already been canceled. It appeared to be as near to humourless as possible without actually being a BBC historical documentary.

  10. thefrank says:

    The make-over of the goth chick was probably TLC's "What Not to Wear" with hosts Stacy and Clinton. The goth chick was trying to move into more serious professional employment, hence the make-over. I could go into excruciating detail, but would probably bore most of the readers here to tears with my dishy diva love for make-over goodness.

    • flipzagging says:

      I find that show hypnotizing. The people on their show are usually thankful for the expert help they get, but should they *all* turn out like urbane New Yorkers?

      I mean, imagine JWZ...

      "This computer geek's retro-punk style ought to be DELETED! Watch Clint & Stacy make him wear stripey shirts with rolled up cuffs."

  11. zkzkz says:

    Huh? I am Canadian, I'm *in* Canada, and I've been going through cable and satellite channel line-ups for the last while trying to figure out what to get. And I've never even heard of this "Fuse" thing. The Canadian MTV is Muchmusic and MusiquePlus (we do everything in twos up here).

    • wfaulk says:

      They used to have MuchMusic USA down here. It was very similar to, but not quite the same as MuchMusic in Canada. Same 17 year old VJs, music popular only in Canada, and all. If I remember correctly, it was probably mostly due to the fact that the satellite services couldn't get rights to show MTV.

      Since then, the satellite services got rights to MTV, and instead of MuchMusic remaining an actual music channel, they morphed into a more MTV-like non-music channel and changed their name.

      Actually, this story sounds a good bit like the M2 story, too.

    • otterley says:

      I think Jamie confused MuchMusic and FUSE. The former is the Canadian network (though what DirecTV and U.S. cable networks carry is actually a U.S.-oriented feed different from the one broadcasted in Canada). The latter is owned by Cablevision and run out of New York City (get a rope).

      • jwz says:

        What DirecTV used to call "MuchMusic" rebranded itself to "Fuse" about a year ago. I assumed that was a global renaming, but I guess not.

  12. wisn says:

    Bravo is planning a "life makeover show" for goths. (To become gothier? To impress their moms? To get that promotion at the investment firm? dunno.) Email from the booking agent