If you are not a fan of the comic book, Constantine might be enjoyable. It's not a very good movie, but it's not terrible for what it is. But they completely, utterly failed to capture the character.

The comic book Constantine is a con man. That's it, that is his one purpose in life. He knows a tiny bit of magic, and convinces everyone he knows more than he does, but fundamentally, he's a grifter and a self-centered bastard.

The movie Constantine is a freelance exorcist, spending his time pulling devils out of little girls in an attempt to attone for his own attempted suicide and earn his way into heaven. Um, what? Who's this guy? I guess he saves the world or something. By the time it happened, I didn't care.

Tilda Swinton is absolutely fantastic as Gabriel, and the guy who plays Satan is pretty good. Everybody else phones it in.

The broken-skull demons were totally uninspired and boring. They were less scary than nippless harpies.

And I cannot believe we were expected to take it seriously when he was attacked by Oogie Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas.

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Current Music: Various -- "s"peEd ♬

"Cursed", or, "I been robbed."

Cursed is the worst movie I've subjected myself to since Dracula 2000. Oh my god, fantastically bad. Even the effects were bad: during the big climactic werewolf transformation scene I thought, "wow, that's the hairiest Pillsbury Doughboy I've ever seen." The prominently-featured wax statue of the Lon Chaney Wolfman was more convincing, and it didn't even move. (The statue turned in ten times the performance of Christina Ricci, too. Clearly the statue should have gotten top billing.)

Rick Baker won an Oscar for the werewolf effects in An American Werewolf in London, and this is the best he could do? He should just run the stock footage instead of using that inflatable hairy baloon. There have been better effects on "Enterprise." Seriously.

"Did you not even consult Rotten Tomatoes?" rzr_grl sensibly asked. "I didn't think I needed to! Elm Street! Serpent and the Rainbow! Scream!"

I knew Wes Craven had executive-produced a whole bunch of shit written and directed by other people, like the execrable Wishmaster (though I had forgotten that Dracula 2000 was, in fact, one of these.) I had already caught on that "Wes Craven Presents" means "stay the fuck away." But he actually directed this bloated turd.

Fuck you, Craven. We're finished.

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