Announcing the Apple iProduct


Apple iProduct. You'll buy it. And you'll like it.
Do you like Apple products? Do you live for every product announcement, every incremental upgrade, every rumor and fake screenshot? Do you wank and blare and drone and fucking gurgle about Apple products morning, noon, and night? Then get ready for iProduct. You'll be blown away. No matter what it is.

The power to buy anything -- and feel good about it.
Will it be merely an incremental improvement? Will we simply increase the storage capacity of an existing product and increase the price? Or will we remove features and capacity and reduce the price? It doesn't matter. We'll still trumpet it as a brand new product, and you'll buy it. You know you'll want it. And you know you'll pay big for it. Steve Jobs could take a dump, put it in an off-white plastic case, add two grey buttons and a small LCD display, and you'd pay $600 for it. Just fucking admit it.

(  --More--( 9%)  )

Tags: , ,

57 Responses:

  1. kyzoku says:

    Saw this one and the other one like it over on Gizmodo this morning.

    • jwz says:

      Gosh, really? There's this practice that people sometimes like to engage in around here called "actually clicking the link that I posted."

      Also, the other one is stupid.

  2. tdj says:

    The best part is "ethnic looking clip-art model".

    • 40hex says:

      Yep, the four pictures are just perfect too - forty-something guy, girl next door, scrawny young geek, and "Joan M'Benga, ethnic looking clip-art model."

      Beautiful.

  3. kimberly says:

    That is beautifully funny sh*t. Nice! BTW: I'm a stranger. Some one on my friends list is a friend of yours.

    - k

    • vxo says:

      Now that, right there, is excellent.

      I find it rather amusing that people who currently have an iPod or iPod Mini, which has much more storage space and a better user interface, are buying the iPod Shuffle. Why, I don't know. (The shuffle feature was, not long ago, introduced to the iPod via software/firmware update.)

      • vxo says:

        Okay... watch me so totally post a comment in the wrong place. Weeeee!

      • ckd says:

        The shuffle feature's been in there since day one, though it was originally buried under the menus a bit.

        If you're running or going to the gym, a $99 (no moving parts, very light) iPod shuffle is probably a better choice than your $599 iPod photo. That's probably a lot of why people who have a big iPod are buying 'em.

      • rodgerd says:

        Because what they actually want is a flash mp3 player. They've spent years deriding them as inferior and touting the iPod, but now that Apple have released a pair of second-rate ones, they can finally buy what they wanted all along.

      • belgand says:

        While the fact that it's always been there was already addressed it bears mention that the iPod has a poor track record, in my opinion at least, as far as firmware updates go. Every year when the new model comes out the old ones are pretty quickly forgotten and ignored. Want on-the-fly playlists on your 2nd gen iPod? Sorry, tough luck. We don't feel like doing that so we can sell it as a feature of the new model.

        Yes, I have dock envy. Anyone would... it's so much more convenient than using a cable alone and provides more options for accessories, but quite frankly the fact that the previous models seemed to quickly fail to exist as far as firmware (and to a similar extent, accessories) was concerned is a bit crappy.

  4. guyver3 says:

    heh I enjoyed this:

    ">

  5. endquote says:

    Me and another Apple person were talking to a friend about Macs, and the friend asked "So when you buy a Mac, do you get an iPod or anything with it? Dell throws in all kinds of shit."

    Other Apple person said "Oh no, Apple makes you pay for everything, and makes you like it."

  6. b_a_t says:

    http://www.livejournal.com/users/sobaker/272161.html

    A bit of russian, but core idea presented in english - Apple advertizes random songs play(shuffle) as a new, innovating feature :> And of course, would charge you as if they invented something outstanding :-O

    • rantzilla says:

      For what it's worth, Apple (in the person of Steve Jobs, in the voice of his keynote yesterday) was pretty specific in saying that shuffle was simply how most iPod owners used their iPods already. That's hardly saying it's a new innovative feature. What is innovative, one might argue, is hardcoding just that one behavior into the device, thus making it more simple, elegant, user friendly and lickable?

      • robcallahan says:

        Isn't the taking away of useful options and calling that innovation much of why the sophisticated members of the PC set diss Macs to begin with?

        I gotta admit, though, it will be interesting to see what happens with a Mac that borders on affordable. Their sales could soar with a single 30-second ad listing annual malware-related statistics experienced by the average Microsoft user.

        • baconmonkey says:

          and once their sales soar, expect macs to be the targets of more malware.

          Though I suspect that the iLunchbox will see increased sales at the expense of laptops in the corporate sector.

          • jlindquist says:

            and once their sales soar, expect macs to be the targets of more malware.

            There's an inescapable measure of truth to that idea. But I don't believe it would be overwhelming. There's a strong sense in the Mac development community of doing the right thing well. Least-common-denominator programming, and "good enough" aren't good enough here, as they are in the Windows world. That's not going away. I expect that ethos will slow the growth of malware vectors.

            I was thinking "iSlab" or "iBrick" for the Mini. A "lunchbox" oughtta have a handle, don't you think?

            • baconmonkey says:

              There's a strong sense in the Mac development community of doing the right thing well.

              That's because presently, becoming a die-hard mac user requires one to renounce the vile decadent world of boundless software choice, and accept the ascetic lifestyle of the "one-button, one-option, one-way".
              Personally, nearly every mac app I've used has left me wanting to scream and smash things, because most are designed to be idiot proof, like amusement park rides where you drive the cars at 5 mph down the rail, you can steer a little bit, but can't veer more than a foot in either direction.

              also, with a micro market share, there are vastly fewer people poking at macs looking for vulnerabilities. I'm willing to bet there are probably just as many vulnerabilities in macs as in windows, just that for ever one monkey beating on mac security, there are 250 beating on windows. Factor in the Apple tendancy to restart from scrach frquently, and with every major OS change, everything is new, and all old exploits (and features) are replaced with a whole new set of vulnerabilities, yet to be discovered.

              you drank the kool-aid, didn't you?

              Granted, I do realize that macs do have value. Most people don't need or want to be able (or be required) to muck with software on a level that requires extensive knowledge of the application and the underlying data. I also prefer having access to the work of many orders of magnitude more developers. I'm fine with trying out a few different utilities or apps to find the one that does what I want, how I want, as opposed to something that does a simple version easily in it's own very specific, immutable way. That's great for a lot of people, but awful for me.

              • jlindquist says:

                That's because presently, becoming a die-hard mac user requires one to renounce the vile decadent world of boundless software choice,

                Who needs boundless choice when all it gives you is boundless crap? I spend much less time hunting for gems. Yes, the smaller market share implies a smaller development community, and thus a smaller set of choices. Yet, I have not at all found myself wanting for dependable tools that fulfill my needs.

                and accept the ascetic lifestyle of the "one-button, one-option, one-way".

                I count four buttons on this Logitech mouse. If more than one button would confuse you (and I hear "Click which button?" far too often when helping Windows users) you can live just fine with the stock mouse.

                Your characterization of Mac software design entirely lacks merit. Sorry.

                also, with a micro market share, there are vastly fewer people poking at macs looking for vulnerabilities.

                Yes. Surely, there are more vulnerabilities than we'd like to admit...

                I'm willing to bet there are probably just as many vulnerabilities in macs as in windows,

                "Just as many"? I'll take that bet. As I said, there's a dominant ethos that scorns the kind of careless programming that leads to many vulnerabilities.

                Factor in the Apple tendancy to restart from scrach frquently,

                "Frequently"? Would you care to name some of those restart-from-scratch points? I'll spot you the 68K->PPC architecture change and OS X. What else have you got?

                Granted, I do realize that macs do have value. Most people don't need or want to be able (or be required) to muck with software on a level that requires extensive knowledge of the application and the underlying data.

                That logic applies equally to the Windows community as it does to the Mac. It wouldn't apply to the free Unix community, but I didn't think that was the perspective you were writing from.

                I also prefer having access to the work of many orders of magnitude more developers.

                Since when does quantity imply quality?

                I'm fine with trying out a few different utilities or apps to find the one that does what I want, how I want, as opposed to something that does a simple version easily in it's own very specific, immutable way.

                Again, I'm not seeing this problem. At all.

                You look pale and parched. Care for a drink?

                • exiledbear says:

                  It's a mac flamewar.

                  [shrug] For me, it's real simple. Does the platform run Half-Life 2? If it does, I'm interested. If it doesn't, I'm not. For a lot of us out here, we don't really care about the hardware or OS, we want to run certain applications. And run them well. If macs ran HL2 better than PCs ran it, I'd Switch.

                  I'd be moderately interested in owning a mac to see what writing apps for one is like, but not interested enough, after I see how much an entry level one costs. And that includes the new iBrick.

              • benediktus says:

                ..but that's why apple can announce "new stuff" everytime they show the next version of an app with *some* improvements like:

                - wow, now my video can do more res
                - yeehaw, my memorystick has 512mb and is white
                - drool, i now can buy the presentation software AND a template dtp app in a bundle
                - every app has new template-styles
                - cool, the apps have interfaces to each other

                most presented software-"developments" were predictable, because earlier versions were lacking in a front-end-implementation of build-in features.

                nevertheless, doing dev on osx myself, i must say that tinkering with osx is tinkering with a bsd-unix and a top-notch windows server. everything is well structured and objective-c a powerfull language. the frameworks gives you access to every desired interface. you are right when you say that you can fast and easily build apps, but it's the developer who specify the date of release. many cocoa-developer burst out their little hackings too early, making unfinished business.
                beeing switched from pc and sgi, i'm very confident working with an apple now. yes, osx and the shipped apps ARE foolproofed...but everything else is under the hood, when you need it!

          • relaxing says:

            I agree, the original lunchbox PCs were so called because they had a handle and the keyboard acted as a lid.

        • rantzilla says:

          Isn't the taking away of useful options and calling that innovation much of why the sophisticated members of the PC set dis Macs to begin with?

          (Going into rant mode...not directed at you personally...)

          I think that is a pretty accurate statement. It holds true for Linux users dissing the sophisticated members of the PC set as well, so what's it really mean?

          What I really mean is, people use what works for them. It's too bad that we can't respect each others' choices. Everything has to turn into some fucking adolescent pissing contest of "my [thing] is better than your [essentially same thing]". And this is only fed by all the bullshit marketing and advertising which actually convinces us that we are somehow defined by what we buy. Who fucking cares? Just use what works for you and shut the fuck up already.

          I would also argue that, for me (just me, not you) sometimes it is *more* useful to not have options that don't get used anyway.

          For example. I have a cell phone. I fucking hate it, but that's beside the point. The point is, it has a fuckload of "useful" options that I don't use. To me, that's a fucking waste. I'd just as soon have a phone that did exactly and only what I needed it to do (well) than to have a bunch of shit I don't need, don't want and probably just works like shit anyway. I already know the features I do use work like shit, so where the fuck is the value in shitty options I *don't* use?

      • 5tephe says:

        Yes! I love to lick my iPod.
        I lick licking it!
        (sorry: just thought that typo was cute.)

  7. king_mob says:

    It's a fair cop, but I still kinda want a MacMini.

  8. What's fun is watching people going crazy over a USB pen drive that plays mp3s, in 2005.

  9. pete23 says:

    excellent. i've always wanted to be one of the cyclists from monkey dust, but now i realise i am anyway...

    "my one is silver, and has an apple logo"

    • greyface says:

      Hah! I like iSmug and "Just the headphones: get mugged too!"

    • jlindquist says:

      "iGun", huh?

      I wonder if someone could convince the Austrians to produce a Bondi Blue iGlock. Or to go the five-color route, 'cause the Pink Pistols might go for that, as well as Mary Kay, to complement the Uzi (search down the page) they award top salespeople.

  10. violentbloom says:

    our brilliant IT guy finally figure out something useful to do with the 8 crappy mac we have.
    We're using them to do load testing, I'm running jmeter remotely on them. In theory. you know after I fucking fix them all because you can't just reinstall when you loose the password to the machine, you have to put in a different harddrive, erase and format that, then reinstall. And they're all missing bits and falling apart.
    glug this is some sick payback for all the times I said "I fucking hate PCs" (which are equally fucked up just in different ways) Here's a choice moment. I can't decide which OS I hate least. Linux probably. But it runs on shitty PCs. Kill me now! the horror the horror!

    • rosefox says:

      Yes, the OS is clearly to blame for you losing the password.

      • violentbloom says:

        *I* didn't lose the password.
        Several other people who used to work at the company and now don't, set them up.
        And there should be a way to do this that doesn't involve booting into a unix shell (which didn't work) or reformatting another disk and throwing away the old one. NORMAL users lose their passwords, and NORMAL users aren't bright enough to try all the tricks I've done. No other hardware is so unforgiving about this kind of crap. Even a crappy pc.

        And my god I hope I never get bonked on the head an forget my laptop password!

      • pdx6 says:

        Clearly easier root passwords are required. I recommend:

            For Windows: Abc123
            For Linux: abc123
            For Solaris: sun123
            For Mac: mac123

        There. Now no need to do a silly hard drive dance when the password is lost.

    • skington says:

      Er, you can put in the original install disk and go to the "Reset password" option, and hey presto, you have access to the machine again. No need to make life difficult for yourself.

      • violentbloom says:

        Yeah see that's what I thought too, unfortunatelly that doesn't actually work.
        I tried that. I tried doing that and holding down "c". I tried doing that holding down "s" and trying to get to it from the command line. nope.

    • Um. It's Unix. Boot single user. Poof. You only need the boot /cdrom approach if you really break things. How would Linux be different?

  11. ian_myatt says:

    I've found from experience, that Mac users are quite a lot like that. As soon as it's out, they want it.

    I used to do support for a scanner manufacturer, and the sheer amount of people that blindly upgraded from OS 10.2 to 10.3 was staggering. Their £90-00 was handed over before the disks were off the presses. Unfortunately, they neglected to check compatibility with their scanners.

  12. jwz says:

    How many jaw-droppingly moronic things can appear in a single article about Macworld? Let's find out, shall we?

    • "Hordes of new iPod users may be sullying the Mac experience."
    • "Thomas said he's not so keen on the show's creeping corporatization."
    • "Koen Van Tongeren, who is writing a thesis on Mac fan culture"
      • "was disappointed by the lack of Apple haircuts and tattoos."
      • "He expected his first Macworld to resemble a Trekkie convention."
      • "But I'm not so disappointed. I got a good deal on a battery."
    • "Anything small enough to put in a backpack doesn't belong on a college campus."
    • benediktus says:

      that is so pathetic.

      though i see no difference between AMD-, CES- and MWSF-morons. the idiot-ratio rises ubiquitously. having people like "oh, i'm so , i'm SO underdog, i'm so hip and i can't share this" is unfortunately a sign of our times.

      makes me wanna post a thread to every notorious forum:

      dear -fanatics,
      please stop making a hype of everything and start USING that stuff, if you can.
      no fuss - just deal with it.

    • z_pod says:

      me hate e-zombies....

  13. armoire_man says:

    Ohmigod! Apple just released a bunch of products that pretty much work as expected and don't require thousands of hours of training and research on the part of consumers who value other things besides computer science!

    The bastards. It just makes my blood boil.

    • ryland says:

      Guess what, iFreak. I wasn't making fun of Apple, or Macs, or the iPod, or the Shuffle. I was making fun of you.

      • armoire_man says:

        Je ne c'est pas une "iFreak". The only Apple product I've ever owned is an iPod.

        I just find it *really fucking sad* that something which works well right out of the box is considered a blindingly peculiar exception in this business, you know?

        • belgand says:

          Speaking as a fellow iPod owner the iPod support message boards were pretty much awash with plenty of people who were not getting the damn things to work right out of the box (this being during generation 2). They're quite picky about the type of Firewire card they like to work with and mine still requires that I use just the right software to get the damn thing to work (ephPod does the job right for me).

          Apple makes computers and related or semi-related products. In my experience they function just like any other computer. I personally find them a good bit harder to get working again when they fail mysteriously though.

  14. nerpdawg says:

    well pointed irony will not deter me! i've never been a mac person before, but with os x it's a consumer os i get *excited about*. that hasnt happened in a while