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SmartKlamp: The Fine Art of Male Circumcision.

(Warning: instructions contain pervo S&M kiddie porn pictures.)

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41 Responses:

  1. giles says:

    I think my favorite line in the faq is "The application of the clamping mechanism will cause a pain sensation..." I'd like to know how a pain sensation differs from the searing agony of having a chunk of your schlong expurgated with a tubular mousetrap.

    What's up with the three happy boys on the left side of the page? "Our patients clamped our wangs and we couldn't be happier! Thanks, SmartKlamp!"

    I guess if someone had plastic separation anxiety after their 5 days of being SmartKlamped, they could just transition over to one of these.

  2. suppressingfire says:

    I liked this typo from page:

    The unique design of the SmartKlamp®, and the easy way it works, help to establish excrellent end results of the circumcision.

  3. bdu says:

    please make a choice between being a parent and a medical professional.

    Indeed.

  4. nightskywarlock says:

    This gives a WHOLE NEW MEANING to the term "end users"...

  5. g_na says:

    As if there wasn't enough societal encouragement to mutilate your child.

    Current Music: One Inch Punch -- Pretty Piece of Flesh

    Uh...was that for real?

    • ralesk says:

      Haven't you noticed yet?  Jamie's music choices are almost always apt :)

      • bostonsteamer says:

        I've always wondered if he actually plays the apt song to get in the mood for writing the post, or if he just thinks of a fitting song and writes it in.

  6. jette says:

    ew. ow.

  7. bifrosty2k says:

    *shivver*

  8. vxo says:

    I am so reminded of the Spishak Bris-O-Tine here...

  9. evadnikufesin says:

    Man... now I remember why I didn't get my son's pencil sharpened....

    I think I'm gonna go barf now...

    • technotronic says:

      I really think you're mixing two very different things up here.. The pencil sharpener is for writing utensils only. Please, for the sake of your son, make sure you use the appropriate device for the job.

      • evadnikufesin says:

        Mixed metaphors aside, my point is that I'd *never* do that to my lil boy. He's 3 1/2 now and just perfect the way he is....

  10. autodidactic says:

    Man. What really gets me is this:

    The SmartKlamp stays on for five days on the penis
    Through the tube the boy can urinate
    The boy can take bath or showers
    He can go to school and continue studying
    Return to the clinic after five days

    What the hell? What poor little boy can study with that thing on? Can you imagine the sheer amount of shit dude would get at the third grade urinal?

    "Hey, look, it's RoboDick!"
    "Shut up!"

    I'd sue my fucking parents.

    A.

  11. valacosa says:

    Can anyone effectively tell me the difference between circumcision and female genital mutilation? I'm having trouble understanding why that is bad, but circumcision somehow is not.

    Of course, I don't think anyone has invented a FGM bot yet...

    • xenogram says:

      It's a matter of degree. The latter is more like lopping of the whole glans.

    • spider88 says:

      I'm totally against both.

      But I can't say they are the same at all.

      If female genital mutilation were like circumcision, the hood of the clitoris would be chopped off. If male circumcision were like FGM, the entire head of the penis would be hacked off. Or, in some tribes, the equivelent would be hacking off the entire penis, and the sealing up the wound by sewing the scrotum across it. And the procedure would painfully interfere with urination, intercouse, and reproduction, and result in frequent infections.

      • valacosa says:

        "And the procedure would painfully interfere with urination, intercouse, and reproduction, and result in frequent infections."
        Yeech. We had a speaker in our "Gender Relations" class (Yes, I took Women's Studies - I was tricked, but I don't regret it) that said it took FGM females on average four hours to reach orgasm.

        Nice colourful anatomical comparisons, though. Both negatively affect sexual sensativity, but I guess with what you said in mind it's easy to see why FGM is more severe.

        How the fuck do these rituals get started? Why would anyone go to such great lengths to ensure women couldn't enjoy sex? And why do we need to start automating these processes? Someone please restore my faith in humanity...

        • voidptr says:

          Christ! 4 hours if they are LUCKY to EVER have an orgasm. FGM can cause severe pain during sex (because of nerve damage, etc), and I don't know about you, but when my coochie hurts, my mind is far far from the possibility of orgasming.

        • blowtorch_betty says:

          "Why would anyone go to such great lengths to ensure women couldn't enjoy sex?"

          To keep them from straying.

          • unstable_geek says:

            To increase the honour of the family.

            • blowtorch_betty says:

              Right, but the origins of that type of honor have to do with keeping the woman at home. And since, the theory goes, women are unable to be loyal of their own right, they must be kept from embarassing the family by brutal and violent means.

              • unstable_geek says:

                Actually - that may only be true in some of the more extreme, shall we say, isolated areas.

                I understand that the main risk was from other men, and that they must therefore protect their women from outside interest.

                Totally backwards I know - "I can't trust other men, so I'm going to veil/restrain/mutilate you".

                At least that's what my Egyptian colleagues and I debate about - I think it is different from other cultures.

  12. lproven says:

    Aiiiieeeeeeeowowowow.

    I speak from experience. Tho' not of that thing.

    Circumcision is /bad/ and the sooner it's done away with forever, the better.

    • skreidle says:

      I don't know about that.. having had one 26 years ago, I rather like things they way they are. :)

      • lproven says:

        Weirdo!

        I'd have liked my bits completely intact, thankyou. There were a good 10 or 15,000 nerve endings in there I could have put to *good use*.

        • skreidle says:

          How involved is the nervous system of the foreskin, anyhow?

          • lproven says:

            What do you mean by "how involved"? They're nerves connected to myriads of touch sensors at the end of your willie, which arguably is the one area of the male body that can give its owner the greatest pleasure.

            Secondarily, possession of a foreskin keeps the glans moist and therefore more soft and sensitive. Removal of the foreskin causes the surface of the glans to dry out and the skin to become cornified, dramatically reducing its sensitivity.

            There's no real benefit on the grounds of hygiene - that's a mediæval myth. Some smegma will accumulate underneath but that is normal, natural and healthy. Probably the simplest way of cleaning the area is to have a good brisk wank in the bath or shower.

            Circumcision does not protect against AIDS or other STD.

            In summary, most of the alleged reasons for circumcision are variants on primitive superstition. It is ritual genital mutilation, no more.

            If you're not a victim of primitive superstition, wanting to cut off your prepuce is thus insane.

            • skreidle says:

              I wasn't sure how to best word the question, and missed the mark. It's true that the head of the penis has a very high nerve concentration--but the skin 5mm behind it does not. I'm wondering where on the gamut the foreskin lies.

              • lproven says:

                OIC.

                AFAIK, next richest innervation to the glans itself. I.e., lots.

                Those who have "restored" theirs with weights and tape and things - Google for it, it's amazing; try "NORM UK" - say that the extra sensation from de-cornification of the glans is pretty amazing, though.