mad jawas in the house, j0

jwz   I am especially irritated that when in "harpy mode" the girl vampires did not have nipples
kiad   now that is a travesty
jwz   I mean, put clothes on them if you must

but boobs without nipples are just icky and wrong
kiad   Were they like Lara Croft's movie poster nipples?
jwz   they were like "I am naked except I don't have nipples" nipples

kiad   ok. that is spooky
jwz   they were "entirely unlike the batsuit" nipples
kiad   even the sphinxes in the neverending story had nipples

was that supposed to be part of the horror element?
jwz   I don't think so
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71 Responses:

  1. jerronimo says:

    that. is. really. freaky.

    I was over at a friend's house earlier this evening, and a discussion about nipples came up... Nipples on all Batman suits, except for the women's suits. .. strange.

  2. are nipples super important?

    • jwz says:

      Lack of nipples is super distracting.

      Also, yes, they are.

      • cock... it was an honest question trying to understand the way the mail brain is on the nipple issue.

        • p3rlm0nk says:

          Well, none of the mail transfer agents I've asked
          have expressed a preference one way or the other
          regarding the presence or absence of nipples.

          • stenz says:

            Never thought about it before, but come to think of it, this could be the reason we have been having so many issues with the Exchange server. I had always just attributed it to a crap MS implementation... but now I am wondering if it is because of my small nipples.

      • This reply could be interpreted to indicate that nipples and reading comprehension are equally important. Given the current state of the world, this may, in fact, be true. Given the state of half time entertainment at the Super Bowl, it is indicated that nipples are, in fact, MORE important than reading comprehension.

        Damn. I started that paragraph feeling silly and sarcastic, and now I'm depressed.

      • asan102 says:

        I was more distracted by the bad acting of all the female parts. Actually, it seemed more like bad writing. It almost had that stereotyped comic-book feel, but they didn't quite make it, and instead it was just corny.

        However, Frankenstein's monster was awesome. Especially his sparking tesla-coil brain. Wonderfully old-school.

    • christikr says:

      Not in anime. Their boobs may be twice the size of their head, but no nipples. :(

  3. lars_larsen says:

    I havent seen this, but from the preview I was shocked by the fact that he had a SEMI-AUTOMATIC CROSSBOW.

    WTF? Have you ever tried to reload a crossbow? It takes like 2 minutes, and it certainly doesnt recock and reload itself.

    Did they explain that away somehow?

    That was bad enough. But no nipples? Thats a fucking travesty! No way am I seeing this now!

    • jwz says:

      Yes, they explained that, as follows: "My name is Bond, James Bond." Explanation ends.

      • lars_larsen says:

        We should go out and protest outside the theaters. Maybe we'll get on CNN.

        "What do we want? NIPPLES! When do we want it? NOW!"

        • bdu says:

          At the very least you should send mail to the FCC demanding more nipples.

          • lars_larsen says:

            "They are anatomically incorrect! How do I explain that to my child?"

            • taffer says:

              Personally, I wouldn't take my child (3 years old) to see this because he'd be all hyped up on Action Movie Adrenaline for the next six months, jumping around attacking "monsters", etc.

              I mean, he's still role-playing the last Zelda game, and we finished playing that about three months ago. Although it's pretty funny when we're out in public and he's referring to people as monsters, or his princess.

              • lars_larsen says:

                I've got to get me a toddler, they sound fun.

                • taffer says:

                  He's remarkably hilarious; I told my wife that if I'd known how funny he'd be, I would've been pushing to have one earlier...

                  • lars_larsen says:

                    The only thing that bothers me about young children is the fact that their energy level long outlasts mine. After I want to stop playing and sit down they are still going 1000mph.

                    Now I understand why people have children when they're young. I couldnt imagine being able to keep up with that kind of energy level in middle age.

                  • gths says:

                    Put them to work on a mousewheel. It'll be like your very own Matrix!

                  • taffer says:

                    I view it as a forced exercise regimen. I'll stay in better shape and (hopefully) avoid that middle-aged beer gut that 30-ish men start to develop.

                    Also, it's a bit weird that a post about the lack of vampire harpy nipples in Van Helsing has developed into a discussion of the merits of toddlers. ;-)

                  • lars_larsen says:

                    Hey, Mammaries... suckling.. babies, it makes sense. But you're right :)

    • i was way more disturbed by the fact that he didn't really kill much with the stupid thing. if you're going to make up an impossible weapon, at least make it impossibly effective, sheesh.

      also, when trying to create a super bad-ass action hero, it is generally best to let him kill more than 4 or 5 things.

      • lars_larsen says:

        WHAT? He doesnt kill stuff? Oh this just keeps getting worse.

        Tell me that when he finally does kill something its really bloody. Cause if they just evaporate video-game style, I'm gonna fucking puke.

        • ummmm....the only one i can think of as being at all bloody then turned into an evaporation.

          it was definitely less satisfying than Underworld...and considering how mediocare THAT was, you get the picture.

    • zonereyrie says:

      He has a monk who is his version of Q and it isn't really a crossbow, it just looks like one - it uses pressurized gas to fire the bolts.

    • nessus says:

      I was shocked by the fact that he had a SEMI-AUTOMATIC CROSSBOW.

      Semi-Automatic? It was fully automatic! Does that answer your question?

      I thought not.

    • It seemed to have some sort of propulsion device in the handle. Looked kinda like a CO2 cartridge or something...

      This is assuming IRC...

    • d1663m says:

      Rented it a while back, fell asleep after about 20 minutes. It sucked. Don't bother with it at all.

    • stiltman says:

      Okay, sorry for saying this like... years after the comment came by after I threaded through not even sure where I was going, but...

      There is such a thing as a repeating crossbow that can indeed fire on a semi-automatic basis. It wouldn't look anything like the thing he had in the movie, no, but it does exist. The Chinese used lever-action crossbows that had a box magazine where a single pull of the lever would load the crossbow, draw the string, and fire and still leave the thing in a state where you only had to pull the lever again to repeat. They were fairly small crossbows, but they were perfectly functional.

  4. rnb says:

    Well, at least she's wearing a watch so that she doesn't, y'know, lose track of time.

  5. tfofurn says:

    Without nipples, breasts are pointless! (Har.)

  6. primavera says:

    Nipples hell. When do vampires shave?

  7. bifrosty2k says:

    Nipples are required.
    There is no exemption form for nipples.

  8. violentbloom says:

    maybe they don't nurse their young or want to attract cock?

    so you saying the movie sucks then?

  9. tjcrowley says:

    Not only that, but the texture they mapped onto the bodies with their neat-o keen CGI machine thingies is a flatbed scan of the skin of a catfish.

  10. marcus132 says:

    I liked it.

    For everyone who was disappointed with the lack of nipples, just consider it a fair trade for not having to see Dracula/Wolfman schlong.

  11. scosol says:

    hahah- i opened the links and saw that i had also commented on the "freakishly misplaced" nipples in 2003- and gee- aren't i a comedian

  12. treylis says:

    I was dragged to see this movie after having five sake bombers consisting of the aforementioned sake and 63.3 centiliter bottles of Kirin Ichiban.

    So, of course, I was in quite the proper frame of mind to enjoy it. Unfortunately, however, I don't remember a single bit.

  13. djinnaya says:


    I think that you have just supplied the tag line for my next MEAT t-shirt. ;)

  14. fzou says:

    Given how buttfuckingly cold it looks in the mountains of Transylvania, and the propensity for nipples to embarassingly harden when it does get that cold, perhaps this lack of nipples is actually explainable by genetic mutation. Or they could have frozen their nipples off, and the tits are next.

    I mean, look how white their skin is; imagine what shade of beetroot red they'll turn when they blush, when someone points out how pointy their nipples are all of a sudden! That'd look positively blood-like! Which wouldn't be that great a survival trait in the land of vampires...

  15. waider says:

    You probably wouldn't like I Went Down, then. They removed a girl's nipples in post, apparently to get a 15 cert in the UK instead of an 18. The end result is freakishly wrong, despite being onscreen for mere seconds. (other than that it's a pretty good flick)

  16. drsmax says:

    The puppies in 101 Dalmations didn't have assholes.

    Somewhere on a shelf in Hollywood is an unused container of puppy assholes. Right next to the unused container of harpy nipples.

  17. khephra says:

    God damn that movie was a trainwreck.

    A pack of my friends over at ILM worked on it and kept bitching about how bad it was, which I normally take with a grain of salt, we all hate what we're working on by the time it's ready for release...
    But holy shit. People were actually walking out of the theatre.

  18. retrodiva1 says:

    Vampire Barbie!

  19. romulusnr says:

    the wookie with the cookies...

    man, whatever happened to that band?

  20. qacdefeej says:

    Since when have chicken breasts had nipples?