Apparently if you are aware that the From: field can, and often is, forged, you are overqualified to write antivirus software.
28 August 2003 e.v. After refusing many pleas to run for governor, I have reconsidered and now enter the race as an unofficial write-in candidate. After all, why should I remain the ONLY nutcase in California who ain't running?
My party, the Guns and Dope Party, invites extremists of both right and left to unite behind our shared goals of:
- Get those pointy-headed Washington bureaucrats off our backs and off our fronts too!
Guns for everybody who wants them; no guns for those who don't want them
Drugs for everybody who wants them; no drugs for those who don't want them
Freedom of choice, free love,free speech, free Internet and free beer
California secession -- Keep the anti-gun and ant-dope fanatics on the Eastern side of the Rockies
Lotsa wild parties every night by gun-toting dopers
Animal protection -- Support your right to keep and arm bears
[...] First order of business on assuming office: Fire 33% of the legislature [names selected at random] and replace them with full-grown adult ostriches, whose mysterious and awesome dignity will elevate the suidean barbarity long established there.
Preserved below for posterity, since The Onion doesn't keep complete archives:
<LJ-CUT text=" --More--(13%) ">
- buy a paper shredder;
- pay cash;
- discover that it is worthless crap;
- realize that the very first thing you shredded was the receipt.
Yeah, I could go back to the store and spend half an hour fighting with them over it, but I have just now discovered that I would gladly pay the price of the shredder merely to not need to have that fight with someone.
Several hundred protesters awaited Bush's arrival at a private fund-raiser. Police officers barred protesters from approaching the home of billionaire Craig McCaw, where Bush was to attend a $2,000-a-plate presidential reelection campaign fundraiser at the exclusive Hunts Point neighborhood near Seattle on August 22.
Japanese companies are preparing for the commercial launch of a "robot suit" that helps aged or physically disabled people walk, get up the stairs or seat themselves to relax without a chair. Trading house Mitsui and Co. and some 30 other Tokyo firms plan to set up a joint-venture in April or May next year to market the powered suit developed by Yoshiyuki Sankai, professor and engineer at Tsukuba University. [...]
The powered suit, code-named HAL-3 (Hybrid Assistive Leg), consists of a computer and batteries in the backpack as well as four actuators attached around the knees and hip joints. The motor-powered devices guide movement of the legs as the computer calculates the user's next motion by detecting faint electric signals from the muscle, the professor said. With the equipment, the user can walk at a speed of four kilometres (2.5 miles) per hour with little physical exertion and avoid the jerky stop-go moves of ordinary robots. [...]
The new venture plans to lease or sell 10 prototypes next year, targetting hospitals and nursing-care facilities at home and abroad. A mid-term goal for the project is to sell some 100 suits a year at a price of one million yen (8,440 dollars).
Rachel Weisz (The Mummy) is in talks to star opposite Keanu Reeves in Warner Brothers' upcoming Constantine, a movie based on the DC/Vertigo comic series Hellblazer, according to The Hollywood Reporter.
Francis Lawrence is directing Constantine, described as Dirty Harry set in the occult world. Reeves will star as John Constantine, a man who dabbles in the occult and teams with a female police officer to fight evil forces, the trade paper reported. Weisz would play Angela, an officer who becomes involved with Constantine when her twin sister dies in a mysterious suicide.
Kevin Brodbin (The Glimmer Man) wrote the original script, with a rewrite by Mark Bomback and Frank Cappello.
Lemme summarize that for you:
- Dirty Harry with "magic";
- Supermodel cop;
- "You killed my sister, prepare to die";
- GLIMMER MAN!
(In case you've forgotten: "Steven Seagal is a soft spoken, mystical, new age New York cop with a checkered past. He is transferred to Los Angeles." Actually, it sounds like the same plot.)