magic wang

JonJonB wrote: Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book. Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything."

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches."

<LJ-CUT text=" --More--(36%) ">

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, "Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang...

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.


30 Responses:

  1. bdu says:

    It's the stuff of slash fiction, for sure.

  2. ofsilence says:

    I am so down with this use of the word "wang".

  3. zonereyrie says:

    This is priceless.

  4. marm0t says:

    Gotta admire a man who 'pages' his cut tags.

  5. sjp says:

    jwz is a crazy man.

  6. underwhelm says:


    Good stuff.

  7. anonymous says:

    I read this just before picking up book 5 and reading (on page 711):

    Examined him personally in Transfiguration and Charms when he did
    N.E.W.T.s...Did things with a wang I'd never seen before...

  8. maverynthia says:

    Did you know the name of the Blue Dragon from Chinese mythology Seiryu's name is Long-Wang......

  9. uatilla says:

    that was eaily one of the funniest things on the planet. hats off to you man.

  10. shiftless says:

    This is beautiful *sniff*

  11. jonjonb says: - all of the best wang quotes from the Harry Potter series. Nice to see the immature actions of a bored man are appreciated.

  12. enzombiac says:

    "You can't say anything without the word wang in it can you?"
    "Sure I wang!"
    "I mean can"

  13. It is kind oflike replacing 'force' with 'pants' in Star Wars. Really funny.

    • _candice_ says:


      Have you ever tried that with LOTR?

      Galadriel: Will you look into the pants?
      Frodo: What will I see?
      Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell. For the pants shows many things.

      Sam: Frodo! Frodo!
      Frodo: Sam!
      Sam: Bless you, you're awake!
      Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your pants.

      Merry [To Sam]: Hold these. [Puts an armful of cabbages into Sam's arms.]
      Sam: You've been into Farmer Maggot's pants!

  14. byronetics says:

    Ah. Slash in canon. Is there anything more beautiful ?

  15. della_stella says:

    I love that thing!

  16. craft says:

    your picture is cool
    to you like wang
    your hand picture is like dictionary wang

  17. jennaluvsu says: this your live journal cuz if its not why is it in ur profile?