"The brakes were useless, the car was wandering. The rear end was coming around. I jammed it down into Low, but it made no difference so I straightened it out and braced for a serious impact, a crash that would probably kill me..... My heart was full of joy as I took the first hit, which was oddly soft and painless. No real shock at all....Yes. These huge white lumps were not boulders. They were sheep."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
"We look up to see the Dutch cops looking at us with absolute horror. The Germans are looking a bit confused and real not certain what to do. The Greek Captain was looking on with a bit of amusement and said "so much for the picnic". There were several cars stopped and I realized what I must look like to them holding a bloody stick wearing my Dainese body armor and splattered with streaks of blood... Oh I am definitely not going to get the key to the city this year."
-- Some guy named Dave

From: jhdiii
Subject: ewethanasia

(Dave's an American, stationed in a NATO base in the Netherlands, and this was taken from the BMW GS [motorcycle] list)

Interesting morning for me. I was cruising in to work using the back gate entrance when I went 1 vs. 2 with sheep (plural). The back road to GK (Geilenkirchen) Airbase is a tasty little road that is actually on in the NL/German border. GK is unique in the fact that it actually touches two countries, and the rear exit is actually in the Netherlands.

Anyway I'm cruising along and spot something(s) in a ditch. I was running the ID matrix when the somethings scattered two on to the road. They were sheep. Luckily there were the local "punk" sheep which are pretty small, If they would have been Aussie or Navajo spec units I would be probably writing this with a straw.

Anyway- I struck the first one with the right "jug" right on its wooly little noggin. The second one I hit/ ran over its rear end. It happened in a flash. I would like to think it was my quick thinking and lightning reflexes that kept me up, but it was probably blind panic and unholy luck.

I came to a stop and basically did the "Holy Fu-- what the hell just happened?" check list.

There was a school bus behind me, so he stopped and being a good German, he called the cops. I checked my bike and incredibly there is no visible damage just fur bone, blood and sheep feces (now cooking on the pipes). Mishap: animal number 1 is lying in the road doing it best James Brown on crack impression frothing blood and basically dying a slow painful death. I can't really describe the sounds, but I now know what a camel stuck in an accordion must sound like. The driver tells me that he has called the cops and that they should be here momentarily. Moments are measured in 15 min increments in Europe.

During this time the kids from the bus have piled out and are watching in horror as sheep num 1 plays out its last moments. Little girls are crying, boys are poking it with a stick, and I now realize to these kids I am for all intents and purposes the sheep slaying Anti-Christ and poor "Brunhilda III" is my pale horse. 30 min later the German 5-0 shows up. They talk to the bus driver and tell him he can go.

About this time the Dutch cops show up. Which I figured was cool because they will speak English. Not that simple. They were there for a reason. The German heat called them because apparently I hit the sheep in the Netherlands but the body ended up in Germany...... Oh joy, now it is a Trans border incident. A few minutes later a detachment from the base International Military Police show up, dispatched because it was a Auto (moto?) Accident involving NATO personnel, so now we have Two German Cops, Two Dutch cops, A Norwegian Staff Sergeant and a Greek Captain plus a German civilian "translator" who really served no point because everyone there spoke English... most better than him.

It is now that the second sheep decides to make its presence known. It has an obviously crushed pelvis and is dragging its rear around and generally making a mess... The Greek Captain obviously know sheep and pronounces her done for. (How the hell can you tell the sex of a sheep from 25 meters out?)

Anyway. He said "someone needs to put it out of its misery". So we all looked at the Dutch police since it was on their side of the road. The Senior Dutch cops said with what? I said " Um a gun?" They said "We are a traffic unit we don't carry fire arms" they said it in such a way that implied that was an obvious fact. I responded "what kind of cop doesn't carry a gun?" SSGt Jensen (Norwegian) leaned over and said "Dutch ones apparently". I then realized the Germans weren't wearing any iron either. They saw me looking and said "oh we have Fire arms....they are in the car, but we can't take them in to the Netherlands..." Great do you have to call Andy and ask if you can load them? Now I am thinking, "Dude it's across the road, and it wouldn't be the first time armed Germans crossed uninvited....."

Jensen at this point asks if we carry the sheep over here can you (the Germans) shoot it. The Germans ask him why he doesn't shoot it. He replies he is only allowed to use his weapon on base or in self defense...

Lesson learned: Wounded sheep don't want to be picked up. At first we try to gently herd it towards the fatherland, and it is doing a good job of dodging us. It simply won't cross the road. Seven grown men can't mange to get one crippled sheep contained. I'm starting to get pissed. I'm an hour late, my bike is covered in crap (literally). So pick up a stick and take a swing out of frustration and actually mange to connect with poor little bastard, Jensen grabs a stick and we soon are clubbing the hell out of this thing. It just will not die. I am hammering away at its skull with a good sized log/club and Jensen's big Viking ass is pounding home like Big Mac and this things is just stumbling and bleating and bleeding. I'm cussing and screaming "Die you SOB just F----ing die" Finally it gives up the ghost and Jensen and I are high fiveing and generally making asses out of our selves. We look up to see the Dutch cops looking at us with absolute horror. The Germans are looking a bit confused and real not certain what to do. The Greek Captain was looking on with a bit of amusement and said "so much for the picnic". There were several cars stopped and I realized what I must look like to them holding a bloody stick wearing my Dainese body armor and splattered with streaks of blood... Oh I am definitely not going to get the key to the city this year.

So with "THAT" out of the way I end up doing the paperwork with Dutch cops. They ask for my insurance and registration the usual. They wanted to know that if the owner came forward did I want him to contact me directly or base legal. I said Eh don't worry about it, there doesn't seem to be any damage to my bike.

They seemed confused, then Jensen explained....no they want you to pay for the sheep. I said "You gotta be Fu---ing kidding me?" " R U people out your GD minds? What the hell R U babbling about? You want ME who was using a public road, to pay for two unauthorized, escape, border jumping sheep? What the hell are you smoking?" They seemed a little taken a back, and said "but you hit them" I replied "of course I hit them, they were in the damn road, it's not like I was cruising through a barn.' They replied, "sorry my friend that is the law". Sh-- - I don't even like mutton after all that time in Saudi. Oh well I guess I will have a Bar-B-Q or something. Guess what. You don't get to keep the sheep. Ain't that a bitch? I may have to pay some numbnutz a fist full of Marks (maybe guilders) and I don't even get to keep the sheep. Color me pissed. Maybe I should charge them vet fees for my act of Ewethanasia.

Tags: , ,

16 Responses:

  1. vxo says:

    Amazing. A true international incident.

    My guess would be that the owner isn't going to come forward, or probably even notice the sheep missing, unless they had a mass escape or something.

    Here in ...

    sed -e 's/Hell/South Florida/' - -

    , there have been several incidents of major highways being closed down due to cows getting onto the road. Usually, in these cases, the farmers were charged the costs of the containment efforts...

  2. billemon says:

    Hope you don't mind my linking to this entry in mine .. I just damn near choked while reading this :)

  3. thesliver says:

    I want to write the screenplay, or at least see the film.

  4. naturalborn says:

    Why did the sheep cross the road?

  5. ivorjawa says:

    I sent this to my dad. In response, he wrote:

    Jan: I think I remember this story correctly. Some of the facts may have
    changed due to the fog of history, fantasy or to protect the innocent.

    Several months before you were born, your mom, Chris [fellow grad student #1]
    (maybe Gary
    [fellow grad student #2], too)
    and I headed up behind Bridger Bowl
    [ski area] in the '59 Chevy to go shoot our
    .357s. There was a herd of sheep crossing the road. I stopped, waiting
    for them to pass.

    I heard a thunk. The sheepherder said, "you hit my sheep!"

    I said how? I wasn't moving.

    He seemed to be menacing until I got out of the car and he noticed I,
    like him, had a hogleg on my belt. (This is the part I don't remember
    too well-we did have the iron with us.)

    The sheep had walked into the car and fell over. The sheepherder picked
    it up and it moved tranquilly off. Dumb.

  6. rzr_grl says:

    I almost sent this to you last week, but assumed you were way ahead of me as usual. Wow! I beat you to an internet meme!