"The Subjugator is truly a mean machine. It weighs 5000 lbs, is capable of lifting 1500 lbs, can shoot a 15 foot stream of fire, and measures 16 feet tall with its claw pointed straight up. It started life as a Bobcat excavator, but little besides its steel-tracked base remains from this original incarnation. A 37 horsepower V-4 indusrial engine breathes life into this beast, running twin hydraulic systems while nestled into a continuous perimeter frame which also serves as the machine's 31-gallon hydraulic reservoir. The custom-built three-fingered claw is mounted on two bus axle bearings, making it capable of free rotation in either direction, even while carrying heavy loads. While other machines may fail in the intensely violent atmosphere of a machine show, rare is the performance in which the Subjugator is not able to drive away under its own power when the burning embers settle."
(This is a response to The Onion's take on Mad, "Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan", which used to be at www.theonion.com but is now gone, because The Onion does that. Sadly, archive.org doesn't have it either.)