So then it turns out that Fetch only does ftp, not http. You've got to be kidding me!
So I say, fuck this, I've heard rumors that these are real computers now, just use wget. So I download it, configure... oops, no C compiler. Presumably it was on some CD that she doesn't have here. So we go looking for an OSX binary of gcc. (Brief conversation on how it's possible for compilers to need compilers occurs.) Apparenty the only binaries are on Apple's site, and it takes forever to find it, because their site sucks. Also they make you register in order to download gcc. It's gcc! WTF! So we get that installed, wget builds straightaway, and all is sweetness and light.
But here's the thing that really struck me about this: command lines, as a user interface, really suck ass. Even if you use them, you know that's true. Somewhere, deep in your heart, you know what you're doing is ridiculous, and there's got to be a better way. And yet, after spending 20+ years trying to evolve the user interface into something better, what's the most powerful improvement Apple was able to make? They finally put a god damned shell back in.
It seems to say, "sorry guys, we were wrong: it turns out that we actually had this figured out in the late 70s; that whole GUI thing, we've been barking up the wrong tree for a while."
Oh, and ^C doesn't work right in the shell half the time, even though stty says it's the intr character. It really is like I've gone back in time, I haven't had to fuck around with stty settings in like ten years. (I can only assume that if I ever see Emacs running on this box, Delete is going to bring up Help. Hey, maybe they could figure out a way to make me care about how many stop bits I'm using, that'd be so retro!)