by Paul Demko
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
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- "I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
- "My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
- "I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
- "My last period looked like meat."
- "My balls feel soft and mushy."
- "I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
- "How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
- "I got the dripper."
- "I have food chunks in my urine."
- "Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
- "Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
- "I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
- "I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
- "I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
- "Can't you put the swab in further?"
- "I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
- "Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
- "My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
- "The seam in my circumcision split open."
- "I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
- "My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
- "From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
- "I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
- "I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
- "My pee smells like ham."