So, I saw these guys at SXSW and bailed on them after 1.5 songs because they were 15 minutes late, and then did a 15 minute sound check, and I had places to be -- you do not pull that shit at a festival like that. Anyway, several people said they had a great live show, which I did not even remotely experience in that song and a half, so I gave them another shot, but I didn't experience it again tonight. Now let me be clear -- it sounded great, and I love their recorded material, and you should buy their album, but they have no show. People who think they have a show must be comparing them to DJs instead of to bands. It's true that the vocalist did occasional fills over the canned drum track, but when the drum-heavy song starts, and the person with sticks in her hands is just standing there bobbing her head... that's a fuckin' problem for me.

If this sounds like the band that you are in, please, for the love of all that is rock and roll: befriend a bass player and/or a drummer. Don't let your mere enthusiasm be the Maginot Line between you and karaoke. You won't sound that different, and people who have actually seen a show will think they are seeing one again.

Also, here's our Fuck You Apple moment for the evening:

Let's say the show has just ended, and you're leaning against the bar looking at the photos on your phone, select the two you like, hit "Share", and pound out a bitchy blog post like the one above... and then you decide, "I'd better pop over to Safari and make sure I spelled 'Maginot' correctly..." then you go back to the Photos app, and your post is gone. So you check the Drafts folder in the Mail app, and, no, it's gone.

So you have to re-type it from memory. Fuck You Apple.

]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/light-asylum/feed/ 6 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/dark-materials/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/dark-materials/#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 05:43:25 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243119

It is 1992 and I am at House of Usher. But I don't remember the 3rd floor of DV8 being so spacious.

]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/dark-materials/feed/ 0 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/commercials/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/commercials/#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 01:33:30 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243118 Avengers. It was pretty good. Cabin in the Woods was better. I think those two are the only movies I've seen in a theatre in at least a year, maybe two.

But, holy hell, there were twenty-five minutes of trailers before the movie started, beginning at the posted show time. Not even counting the (presumed) half hour of non-movie commercials before show time, which I missed.

Is 25 minutes the new normal? I remember being aghast when 15 became the new normal from 10, which seems like it wasn't that long ago.

With that many commercials -- about 1/5th of the running time of the movie itself -- why am I expected to pay admission too? I understood that my eyeballs were the product in this sale.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/commercials/feed/ 23 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/monkey-butter/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/monkey-butter/#comments Mon, 14 May 2012 19:11:45 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243117

• Zoo caretaker licks monkey's butt for an hour to help it defecate.

• Santa Ana Zoo: We don't lick monkey butt like they do in China.

Previously, previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/monkey-butter/feed/ 12 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/scissors-for-amputation-of-the-uvula/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/scissors-for-amputation-of-the-uvula/#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 23:21:59 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243115 You know, just in case.

Also, German Spermatorrhoea Ring:

Spermatorrhoea means involuntary loss of semen, although the rings were also intended to prevent voluntary discharges from masturbation or Onanism. The ring was placed at the base of the penis and fasted with a screw such that any engorgement of the organ would meet with the teeth of the ring and arrest the process.

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/scissors-for-amputation-of-the-uvula/feed/ 3 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/reminder-monsters-are-real-4/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/reminder-monsters-are-real-4/#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 22:42:27 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243114 The Sarcastic Fringehead has had enough of your jibba-jabba.

2:09: The good stuff.
0:53: Versus octopus.

Previously, previously, previously.

"Uh oh. Semen."]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/furries/feed/ 12 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/directv-epilogue/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/directv-epilogue/#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 04:27:44 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243112 three whole days without DirecTV calling me on the phone! They called every day, twice a day, for ten days after I cancelled my service. I never answered, but I imagine a robot voice plaintively crying, "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?"

Pro tip: Set your default ring tone to something quiet, and use a louder custom ring tone for anyone you might actually want to receive a voice call from.

Update, May 14: Hah! I spoke too soon, they're still calling!]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/directv-epilogue/feed/ 13 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/today-in-apocalyptic-geoengineering-news/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/today-in-apocalyptic-geoengineering-news/#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 04:05:43 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243111 [Headline ending in question mark omitted]

Unlike some other scientists engaged in geoengineering, Eisenberger is not bothered by the notion of tinkering with nature. "We have devised a system that introduces no additional threats into the environment,'' he told me. "And the idea of interfering with benign nature is ridiculous. The Bambi view of nature is totally false. Nature is violent, amoral, and nihilistic. If you look at the history of this planet, you will see cycles of creation and destruction that would offend our morality as human beings. But somehow, because it's `nature,' it's supposed to be fine.'' [...]

The most environmentally sound approach to geoengineering is the least palatable politically. "If it becomes necessary to ring the planet with sulfates, why would you do that all at once?'' Ken Caldeira asked. "If the total amount of climate change that occurs could be neutralized by one Mt. Pinatubo, then doesn't it make sense to add one per cent this year, two per cent next year, and three per cent the year after that?'' he said. "Ramp it up slowly, throughout the century, and that way we can monitor what is happening. If we see something at one per cent that seems dangerous, we can easily dial it back. But who is going to do that when we don't have a visible crisis? Which politician in which country?''

Unfortunately, the least risky approach politically is also the most dangerous: do nothing until the world is faced with a cataclysm and then slip into a frenzied crisis mode. The political implications of any such action would be impossible to overstate. What would happen, for example, if one country decided to embark on such a program without the agreement of other countries? Or if industrialized nations agreed to inject sulfur particles into the stratosphere and accidentally set off a climate emergency that caused drought in China, India, or Africa?

Game Over for the Climate

If this sounds apocalyptic, it is. This is why we need to reduce emissions dramatically. President Obama has the power not only to deny tar sands oil additional access to Gulf Coast refining, which Canada desires in part for export markets, but also to encourage economic incentives to leave tar sands and other dirty fuels in the ground. [...]

But instead of placing a rising fee on carbon emissions to make fossil fuels pay their true costs, leveling the energy playing field, the world's governments are forcing the public to subsidize fossil fuels with hundreds of billions of dollars per year. This encourages a frantic stampede to extract every fossil fuel through mountaintop removal, longwall mining, hydraulic fracturing, tar sands and tar shale extraction, and deep ocean and Arctic drilling.

Previously, previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/today-in-apocalyptic-geoengineering-news/feed/ 2 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/welcome-to-life-the-singularity-ruined-by-lawyers/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/welcome-to-life-the-singularity-ruined-by-lawyers/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 22:55:44 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243110

Previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/welcome-to-life-the-singularity-ruined-by-lawyers/feed/ 4 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/breton/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/breton/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 07:37:03 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243108

These guys were fantastic, and I hadn't heard of them before tonight. I love it when that happens.

]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/breton/feed/ 1 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/fractal-pancakes/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/fractal-pancakes/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 04:29:55 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243107 It's pancakes all the way down.

Also tentacles:

The Apollonian Pancake looks less than delicious. It's going to throw the syrup ratio right off.

Previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/fractal-pancakes/feed/ 1 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/the-next-phase-in-octophant-evolution/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/the-next-phase-in-octophant-evolution/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 02:37:09 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243106

Previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/the-next-phase-in-octophant-evolution/feed/ 0 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/o-hai-danfuzz/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/o-hai-danfuzz/#comments Fri, 11 May 2012 00:32:57 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243105
Dan Bornstein getting served with a subpoena.

Oracle's copyright win may not amount to much as patent phase unfolds

Previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/o-hai-danfuzz/feed/ 5 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/wifi-pineapple-mark-iv/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/wifi-pineapple-mark-iv/#comments Thu, 10 May 2012 18:06:45 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243104

Preconfigured wifi man-in-the-middle attack-box with rickrolling built in: $90.

The WiFi Pineapple is a hot-spot honey-pot Most wireless devices including laptops, tablets and smartphones have network software that automatically connects to access points they remember. This convenient feature is what gets you online without effort when you turn on your computer at home, the office, coffee shops or airports you frequent.

Simply put, when your computer turns on, the wireless radio sends out probe requests. These requests say "Is such-and-such wireless network around?" The WiFi Pineapple Mark IV, powered by Jasager -- German for "The Yes Man" -- replies to these requests to say "Sure, I'm such-and-such wireless access point -- let's get you online!"

And with the newly improved Pineapple Mark IV web interface, gathering interesting packets, spoofing DNS, watching web traffic and more is just a click away.

Source, video demo.

Previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/wifi-pineapple-mark-iv/feed/ 10 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/dna-lounge-update-107/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/dna-lounge-update-107/#comments Thu, 10 May 2012 02:11:44 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243103 DNA Lounge update, wherein we're gonna get Pucced.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/dna-lounge-update-107/feed/ 10 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/javascript-mess-needs-testers-smurfs/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/javascript-mess-needs-testers-smurfs/#comments Thu, 10 May 2012 00:19:47 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243102

Javascript Hero

Let me state the goal again: take the MESS project, which is a massive open-sourced effort to emulate every possible computer system and console that exists, and make it run in a window in a browser. In doing so, allow anyone with a web browser of reasonable power the ability to experience, in great convenience, many of the aspects of any previously made software in human history. This is a very lofty goal.

Previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/javascript-mess-needs-testers-smurfs/feed/ 9 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/festo-exohand/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/festo-exohand/#comments Thu, 10 May 2012 00:03:31 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243101 Force-feedback waldo. Getting closer to being able to punch someone through the internet.

"Startup ship of dreams": libertarian fantasy hootenanny meets rusty, smelly "hackerspace" dorm room.

The biggest draw is seemingly not the fact that you don't need a visa to live and work on the ship, but rather entrepreneurs are coming for the "awesome startup and technology-oriented space." The second most critical element for startups was the close proximity to Silicon Valley's venture capital scene.

Rent to live on the ship is about as much as a single person living in San Francisco has to pay: around $1600 a month. That is, if you're willing to bunk up. The price includes both living and office space, but will range from $1200 for a shared cabin, and runs up to $3000 for a "top-tier single" cabin. Ferries will shuttle entrepreneurs from the ship to Silicon Valley daily, and Blueseed says it will help those from outside the US enter. Blueseed is also looking for incubators who are interested in helping the startups.

Previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/more-tax-dodging-sea-steading-nonsense/feed/ 57 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/american-pain/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/american-pain/#comments Wed, 09 May 2012 00:55:34 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243095

The deluge of cash became a problem.

Employees could be heard on the wiretaps complaining about cash drawers being stuffed to the top. It wasn't worth keeping dollar bills, so those were separated and then burned by the barrel. Bigger bills were stuffed into garbage bags, then hauled to a bank. Chris George's wife, Dianna, accepted the chore of making these rather suspicious deposits, although not without grousing that she'd become her husband's "money mule."

This would have been a "jump the shark" moment on just about any tv show.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/american-pain/feed/ 10 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/pastafarianism-in-the-military/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/pastafarianism-in-the-military/#comments Wed, 09 May 2012 00:46:31 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243094

Pastafarianism in the military

Drill Sergeant: "Are you fucking with me? Are you fucking with me at 0600, Private Griffith? Before I even get some goddamned breakfast?"

[I did my best to return the intensely humorless stone face.]

Me: "No, Drill Sergeant."

Drill Sergeant: "Flying Spaghetti Monster!? I don't fucking believe it!!!"

Me: "I believe it, Drill Sergeant."

Drill Sergeant: "What the hell is wrong with you, warrior?"

Me: "Drill Sergeant, I'm afraid I can't really talk to you about this any further unless I'm in my religious clothing. I need to be in full pirate regalia, or at the very least wearing an eye patch."

I have a friend* who is about to get a vasectomy, and it turns out, it's a ridiculously involved process, presumably because of Religionists.

First, you have to get not one but two "mental health" exams, because the assumption is that if you are under 40, single, don't have kids, and don't want to have kids, you must be crazy.

Then, you can either spend many thousands of dollars at a private practice (apparently when you add up all the fees that insurance doesn't cover it gets absurd), or do Planned Parenthood. It turns out that San Francisco is some kind of mecca for men's health -- you can get your prostate examined on any street corner, and sometimes they'll pay you -- but not men's reproductive health, go figure.

So Planned Parenthood says, "Well, we only do this once a month, so let's find the next available date... how about eight months from now?" I guess this means there's only the one guy in the country who knows how to properly use the tiny scissors on his Swiss Army Knife, and he spends all his time traveling from town to town snipping nuts, like it's the Old West, or a Toshiro Mifune movie or something. Wait, no, it sounds more like Eversmile, New Jersey, that Daniel Day-Lewis movie where he plays an itinerant dentist traveling through South America on a motorcycle, dealing out the rough justice of fillings and extractions. (It's a great movie.)

* Honestly, these are not my nuts that are on the table here.

Previously, previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/republicans-out-of-my-scrotum/feed/ 38 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/beyond-the-black-rainbow/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/beyond-the-black-rainbow/#comments Mon, 07 May 2012 23:10:06 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243092
After a while, I started hallucinating, and developed a tumor. I believe the visions caused the tumor, and not the other way around.

I mentioned this movie in my last movie post, but it bears repeating because I seem to have watched it like three and a half times now. It's... really slow. And creepy. And slow. And doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But the feel of it, and the score, are both amazing. I tried to make some friends watch it, and an hour and a half in, they said, "There's thirty more minutes of this? What the hell is wrong with you??"

But I can't stop looking at it. And I'm pretty sure it has given me a brain tumor.

There's only one possible explanation for this. This movie contains the Videodrome subcarrier signal.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/beyond-the-black-rainbow/feed/ 4 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/peelander-z/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/peelander-z/#comments Mon, 07 May 2012 06:46:50 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243091 ]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/peelander-z/feed/ 3 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/recursive-jackalope/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/recursive-jackalope/#comments Mon, 07 May 2012 00:30:06 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243090 ]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/recursive-jackalope/feed/ 3 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/the-mighty-jackalope/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/the-mighty-jackalope/#comments Sun, 06 May 2012 23:28:29 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243089 ]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/the-mighty-jackalope/feed/ 4 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/another-fall-down-the-pigface-hole/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/another-fall-down-the-pigface-hole/#comments Sun, 06 May 2012 11:49:03 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243087 surprising number of re-posts on the last one, even though I'd been telling you about that band for like seven years already, but none of you listen. Well anyway, tonight I went to Bootie, and on the way home, while trying to wash out that coppery Journey after-taste, I fell down a Hips Tits Lips Power hole.

Come on in, the water's fine:

The above is not a real video, because as I think I have mentioned before, though Pigface was the World's Last Industrial Band, there is no decent video documentation of the epic, face-melting power of their live show.

Lyrics on this track are by Lesley Rankine, later of Ruby, a band that inexplicably managed to bridge the gap between industrial and trip-hop. If you have not heard the Salt Peter album, fix that, because it's one of the best albums to come out of the Blighted Nineties.

(For Pigface, start with Fook or the Preaching to the Perverted comp.)]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/another-fall-down-the-pigface-hole/feed/ 11 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/timeline-of-the-far-future/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/timeline-of-the-far-future/#comments Sun, 06 May 2012 06:39:51 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243079
Boltzmann Brain

Wikipedia's timeline of the far future is pretty nifty. Also.

Previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/timeline-of-the-far-future/feed/ 5 http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/this-is-for-you-2/ http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/this-is-for-you-2/#comments Sun, 06 May 2012 06:14:52 +0000 jwz http://www.jwz.org/blog/?p=13243078

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.]]> http://www.jwz.org/blog/2012/05/this-is-for-you-2/feed/ 4