Twentitled

I've been hearing about -- but not reading -- @twentitled for at least a year, because hey, "tech douchebags act like douchebags" is a dog-bites-man story if there ever was one.

But today a friend inside Twitter said, "Our comms team was crying a river over this today."

So I'm passing it along because anything that makes the Twitter Comms Team cry is good and should be encouraged. They are bad people in a despicable line of work, and I gleefully endorse anything that makes them fail in their ham-handed attempts at media manipulation.

So let's hope this "trends", as the kids say today.

Self-Loathing Twitter Employee Chronicles the Doom and Decadence of San Francisco's Most Tax-Exempt Startup:

Meet Twitter Entitled, an unfortunate and pitifully hilarious collection of overheards within the headquarters of Mid-Market's golden goose. It's blood-boiling, really -- like watching Veruca Salt tantrum her way through Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

#1: There is so much fatty food here, they should pay for gym memberships.
#2: They do
#1: Ugh, whatever.

Every time I notice the valet has adjusted my seat, I honestly consider just parking the car myself...

the seared tuna at lunch was good, but the caviar on the tartare was meh.

fucking BART, I'm late for my massage.

I like the free Square readers we get from Jack, but without free iPad's also, they're unusable.

How many times can they possibly serve Wild King Salmon Steaks for dinner? I'm all for Salmon, but a little variety would be nice.

#1 Bike to work day?
#2: Oops, I took an Uber.

Anyone want to charter a helicopter with me in Vegas?

Previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously, previously.

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25 Responses:

  1. Kayne says:

    Hurry up with mah damn croissants

    • Twitter Employee says:

      There are some annoyingly entitled people at Twitter who take a lot of privileges for granted but FYI these tweets aren't actually overheard things people say. It's a parody account.

      • jwz says:

        That's not what my friend who works there says, Mr. Comms.

        • Twitter Employee says:

          I'm pretty sure JNA is wrong about this. Look, I have no reason to defend idiots who say things that even approximate stuff like this but actually read the fucking tweets on that account and think about it for a second. You can perpetuate whatever simplistic black and white world view that you want about how pathetically myopic certain people are but you are cornering yourself into your own different type of parody of a real person thinking things are this black and white. This account is absurd and grotesque and in a directional sense it points at an actual truth and it offers a caricature of real observed behaviors, but it's a caricature. It's an exaggerated parody. If you think it's real, you are a sucker and you end up looking like more of a chump than they do. This is simplistic, naive occupy wall street bull shit. You've made more money off the internet than all these entitled recent hires combined (and to be clear these attitudes are all from recent hires who have zero actual skin in the game). You have the last laugh, not because you are politically pure but because at the end of the day, no matter what their actual pretense of entitlement and privilege may be, you have more money in the bank than all of them, combined, funded out of the same system they are taking for granted and that you are taking a bullshit principled stance against. So be self-righteous about how entitled they are but they've got nothing and you're a rich guy fronting like he's some ethical scholar scoffing at a parody of ignorant attitudes of low-level employees. What makes you so pure at heart? Check your privilege.

    • Jon says:

      I did wonder whether Kanye took inspiration from the above.

  2. I will personally cook a four-course meal for the first person to leak at least six months' worth of food-discuss@google.com to the press. (Is my cooking good enough to risk unemployment and/or a breach of contract lawsuit for? Only one way to find out!)

  3. ckn says:

    its beginning to smell a lot like 1999 in here...

  4. Nate says:

    We've been around this carousel a few times. I really enjoyed working in the tech industry 1993-1997. Then it was great from 2001-2007 again. In between, all manners of bloodsuckers emerged from the woodwork and the noise was painful.

    I like building things and changing manual, difficult processes into automated ones. I do not like perks nor the people who like perks. You cannot offer massage or free oil changes without attracting people who care about the job in part because of those things. Even worse, you later get the people to whom those things are some kind of scoreboard.

    The company I founded offers an intense challenge, health care, and some vacation. It may pay off well for all of us. But at the end of the day, nobody would join for any reason than that we like doing what we do, together.

  5. Rich says:

    Apparently they're spending $300m of money of some Saudi prince, so I wouldn't feel bad about it. Eat a wild salmon steak for me.

  6. cmon says:

    Twentitled likely started as real overheards, but now is mostly just original content or reposts of internal discussions quite obviously intended to exaggerate the corporate culture. Like @gselevator. Just because someone puts a #1, #2 or an OH doesn't mean it's real - or do you believe everything you read on the Internet?

    • Tom Lord says:

      Wait, is that how the Internet works? Thank you for explaining. I feel much more secure and peppy now.