"What black arts could have stripped this chocolate of its natural hue?"

Selections From H.P. Lovecraft's Brief Tenure as a Whitman's Sampler Copywriter
Chocolate Cherry Cordial

You must not think me mad when I tell you what I found below the thin shell of chocolate used to disguise this bonbon's true face. Yes! Hidden beneath its rich exterior is a hideously moist cherry cordial! What deranged architect could have engineered this non-Euclidean aberration? I dare not speculate.

Caramel Chew

There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.

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14 Responses:

  1. lindseykuper says:

    "NON-EUCLIDEAN".

  2. giles says:

    What, no comparisons of dark chocolate to a hideous and animalistic black person?

  3. ultranurd says:

    While there were many Lovecraftian elements, there was a distinct lack of tentacular treats. I call false advertising.

  4. cattycritic says:

    I give up, that does it, resistance is fruitless. I'm getting a subscription.

    • jwz says:

      I find McSweeney's brilliant about 1% of the time, and really pretty tedious and awful the rest. Fortunately, this corresponds to about the portion of articles that get sent to me, so I don't have to wade through it myself.

      The pirate store is cute, though.

    • lindseykuper says:

      I kind of want to subscribe to both the Believer and to Skeptic, just so I can put 'em next to each other.

  5. unwoman says:

    This is actually forcing me to go buy chocolates.

  6. twid says:

    These all sound exactly like they are written by Tycho at Penny-Arcade.

    Draw your own conclusions.

  7. jkndrkn says:

    They didn't include my favorite Lovecraftian adjective:

    unwholesome

  8. jkonrath says:

    This explains why my first edition Fiend Folio has a chapter on confectionaries that was removed in later editions.

  9. rapier1 says:

    damnit, i haven't heard that song in almost 2 decades now.