Wash My Balls, John Whorfin!

Dear Lazyweb,

If you loved me, you'd buy me a ball sucker:

I will also require a ball washer:



    "Move balls from one ball bath to another or create a ball fountain! You can combine it with a ball washing machine, so that your kids will play in heaps of hygienic balls!"

See to it. Thank you.



(See, when we were first talking about getting a bouncy castle, I instead wanted us to just get enough 4" plastic balls to fill the entire ground floor of the club to a depth of about four feet. But, we couldn't find a place that sold those balls for less than about 5¢ each. I figured that'd take around 300,000 balls, which would have been $15,000, not counting shipping.

And then what do you do with them? I favored just opening the door at the end of the night and setting them free on 11th street, but someone might have noticed.)

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23 Responses:

  1. OOOO!

    *big dewey eyelash-y blinking*

  2. duskwuff says:

    Tag: "hygienic balls".

  3. lars_larsen says:

    I would think that a nightclub 4 feet deep in plastic balls wouldn't pass the fire code anyway.

  4. sixty4k says:

    I, for one, welcome our new ball sucking hygiene conscious vacuum overlords.

    I think you should start the balls on the second floor, (perhaps filling the back bar?) and then release them for the ballfall down the stairs and over the balcony.

  5. ch says:

    didn't you just get busted for littering?

  6. deificar says:

    Which seems to be oddly reminiscent of the bouncy ball release of your later post. If they could do it, why not you?

  7. I've taken part in doing this (filling a room to four feet), but with balloons, as an April Fools prank. Not quite the same as balls, but it was cheaper (roughly 10 gross balloons, 150 college students' lungs + 4 tanks of Nitrogen, I believe; the gas was the expensive part, but the deposit comes back when you return the tanks, and whatever it was was cheap, because it doesn't float), plenty of fun to fall around in, and easier to clean up (think "hand out large knives and knitting needles, then sweep").

    This was several years before I copped your Postscript prank.

    I think there are pictures somewhere...

    • jesus_x says:

      Wha? Prank? Elaborate!

      • Okay. (Swarthmore--the college--"Linux" Users Group posting after the fact.)

        The idea isn't mine, it's <lj user=jwz>'s, whose implementation far predates, and is far more complex (hey, I always put April Fools off till the last minute; I did this hack in 6 hours, not so much knowing Postscript on the way in) than mine, though I did reimplement from scratch, which is worth something. (I seem to recall his actually blacking words out, scoring each page of a document on what we'd now call the Terrorist Scale, printing a header/footer with that scoring, and including interpretation of print jobs that never said showpage to toggle the analysis on and off.)

        The issue is, first, that Postscript is really a Turing Complete programming language, not a markup language and, second, that, though some printers provide access controls to protect against overwriting their native functions in memory, most people never turn those on.

  8. boggyb says:

    Did you ever go to the Millenium Dome in the UK (when it was open)? I seem to remember they had something like this there (a massive ball play area, for ikkle kiddies and their parents), but unfortuantly both times I went that bit was closed.

    One of the things you should try in your nightclub is the massive interactive game thingy they had in the Play area in the Dome. Basically, it's pong but with two teams controlling the paddles. Each person has a stick with a shiny red sticker on one side and a shiny blue one on the other. One colour = up, the other = down, and the direction/speed is decided by the difference between colours held up(so if everyone holds red the paddle'll shoot up to the top, but if ~60% hold blue and ~40% hold red it'll slowly move down). There's basically a high-end webcam watching everyone to see what colours are held up.

  9. baconmonkey says:

    ..please stop exploring your balls' sexuality, it really freaks us out.

  10. hatter says:

    Put up loads of signs demanding that people do not steal the balls. You'll only have about 10% of the original number remaining (and only because people are embarrassed about stealing the last few)

    Then ebay the remaining ones in several lots, buyer collects. If they don't all go, then autograph one ball in each remaining lot, and leak the auction details to geek media.

    the hatter